life Archives - Page 3 of 6

Interim

November 7, 2014November 7, 2014Samantha Gratton

Everything is interim. Everything is a path or a preparation for the next thing, and we never know what the next thing is. Life is like that, of course, twisty and surprising.
– Shauna Niequist in Cold Tangerines

Often we hold onto this idea of stability and longevity. We (or maybe it’s just me) like making a plan. What’s the three-year, five-year and ten-year plan? As if we have any real control over it.

Don’t misunderstand, I think goals and dreams are wonderful things to have. But sometimes we clutch onto them so fiercely. When something goes awry or changes the course, we get flustered. We react in fear or fight. We cry out in the night and wonder what went wrong. The plan, the perfect plan, is no more.

But everything is interim. There is no such thing as stability or control. Whatever it is, it may be for the next few days or the next few years. My life seems like it is in total interim right now, and I can’t say that I always love that feeling. Sometimes I want to know every detail and then plan minute-by-minute what’s next but that is just not how life goes. We’re instead being challenged and tested in order to be best prepared for what is to come.

Embrace the interim. Because there is a God who has all the plans. We just have to trust in Him.

….

This week I am co-hosting a link-up with Susannah from Simple Moments Stick. Please check out her blog when you get the chance and feel free to link-up your post about faith and fellowship!

Thursday Three

October 30, 2014October 30, 2014Samantha Gratton

Hey there Thursday. It’s been a week, hasn’t it? The leaves on the trees are really starting to pop around here, which I LOVE but the dark mornings and dark evenings are not my favorite. Let’s look back on the week and all of its lessons, shall we?

1. A weekend away can do a world of good. I know the plan was 31 days of blogging, but over the weekend I was just all out losing steam. It’s been a packed month and none of my guest posts came through for the weekend. I thought about blogging but realized I wasn’t going to provide any depth and it would instead just be me checking off another thing on the long list. I love blogging and writing and all the things, but I’ll be real, I’m ready for this month of blogging to be over so we can go back to our regular scheduled programming.

2. Time with friends is so important. In the busy of life, it’s easy to cut friends out. We all have obligations and can only do so much in a day. But I need keep reminding myself that being over-committed shouldn’t mean that my relationships are what get cut out of my schedule. You need your friends and your friends need you.

3. And then I found five dollars… literally. I am that person who is always picking up pennies and dimes left behind in the street, but this weekend I found a $5 laying around outside in the dark for the second time this year (weird, I know). I think my point is, we don’t always know what we will find in life, it might be a pretty average penny or it might be a not-so-common $5. Either way, we have to keep an eye out and be ready for whatever it may be. How’s that for some Thursday night vague wisdom?

Finding a Job or Finding Self

October 13, 2014December 9, 2014Samantha Gratton

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room, shall we?

In May, my job ended. Since then I’ve had my share of interviews and opportunities and then even more ~~rejection~~ interviews. I’ve tried everything, tried nothing, doubted, and questioned. I’ve loaded my schedule and have taken on more freelance work. I’m currently volunteering and even working a 3-month contract position with full-time hours.

Through all of it, I’ve questioned everything. I questioned why this happened and if I could have/should have done something different. I mentally revisited every job I had ever taken or turned down and questioned if I had made the right decisions. With each rejection this summer I questioned what I did wrong in my interviews. If my cover letters or resumes were bad or if I didn’t wear the right outfit. I questioned what my friends and acquaintances must think of me for being stuck in this situation. Did I seem like a quitter or a failure? Did they even take me seriously any more? It seeped into everything else I did as I questioned my abilities across the board. Was I good at project management? Did I make any impact on the work I did? Did I know how to move a project from an idea stage to fruition? Was I actually a valuable member on a team? Was my writing any good?

Before all of that, I had talked about a job not defining a person. I meant it, too. I’ve had a few jobs that haven’t quite suited me, but I always had a job. So when I didn’t have one, I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t know what my purpose was and wasn’t confident in my abilities. I tried to claim different things and own different passions. I practiced saying a sentence summary of who I was in the car while running errands. I stayed up late and woke up early to show that I was using my time for something. I stayed inside more often than an unemployed person should in the summer time just so I wouldn’t have to explain myself to the neighbors.

So does this all have a point? Have I reached that epiphany and know who I am now?

I’m working on it.

I had an unsettling feeling that this whole thing would shake things up a bit. I don’t necessarily like learning things the hard way though and hoped it would all pass quickly. I’m still searching for a job, but also still hopeful. Some days I come off as confident and other days I likely sound more desperate. But when it comes down to it, I have a better idea of who I am and what’s important to me now in regards to work.

I’ve found that I don’t have to wait for a job offer to do the things I like doing. I can write as much as I want on this blog and work on growing my online presence. I can learn presentation skills on stage while playing music with my husband. I can plan events at church or by volunteering with various organizations. I can help people without working at a nonprofit, and I can manage projects that are my own instead of someone else’s.

Knowing that I can do all of that right now, without waiting for someone’s approval or paycheck, is incredibly freeing. Do I still have self-doubt and tears and wonder when I’ll move forward professionally? Of course. The difference between now and six months ago is that I’m actually doing all of those things wholeheartedly. While this journey hasn’t been easy, it has given me a much greater sense of what I am capable of doing and what I want to do during my life.

This post is a part of the Finding Self series for the 31 Days of blogging in October.
To see the all posts in this series, check out the Finding Self page.

Being Enough

October 7, 2014December 9, 2014Samantha Gratton

Not enough.

How often do we hear that phrase and don’t even realize it? Or worse, how often do we say that to someone else?

Not enough experience or not enough enthusiasm. Not enough knowledge or not enough confidence. Not enough wisdom or not enough motivation. Not enough practice or not enough raw talent. Not enough.

All day long we hear that in some form or another from society–from our job applications, from our teachers, from our bosses, from our family and even from our friends. You’re not enough…this.

When we feel like we are not enough we seek more. We try to do, be and possess MORE. A never ending chase results in us grasping for more so we can finally feel enough. Over time it leaves us feeling worn down and exhausted. We can’t keep up with the rate that more requires, which in turn leads us to feeling once again, not enough. Not enough time, not enough strength, not enough stamina.

But wait a minute. Listen.

How often are we actually told we are not enough compared to how often we reinforce it and decide to believe it? Is it truth? Further, is it even what is being said? Or do we assign ourselves this label of not enough before we hear what we’re being told? When we allow this battle of not being enough to win, we always lose. If you want to play that game, there will always be something in our lives that feels like not enough.

So stop allowing not enough to dictate who you are.

You are enough. Right now. In this very moment. You are complete. Rest in that.

__________________________________________________________

If you need to hear more truth, this is where to find it:

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.” -Psalm 139:14

^“And I saw that all toil and all achievement spring from one person’s envy of another. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.” – Ecclesiastes 4:4

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11:28

This post is a part of the Finding Self series for the 31 Days of blogging in October.
To see the all posts in this series, check out the Finding Self page.

About Having Babies

September 22, 2014September 22, 2014Samantha Gratton

Never did I think this would be a topic I would write about, at least not until maybe after the fact. But talk to any stranger in the grocery store all the way up to your best friends and suddenly it no longer feels like a personal matter. Everyone is quick to ask when we plan to have these sweet little cherubs.

If you had asked me in high school what I wanted to be when I grew up, I usually said something along the lines of “being a mom.” I’d start out by talking about college or maybe some sort of career in the meantime, but that wasn’t the real goal in my mind. When we got married, we told people we were on the “five-year plan” (why people feel they need to know that is beyond me). A couple years ago we joked with people that we were on the “nonstop five-year plan” meaning we were always five years out from having kids. The great thing about saying five years is that it is close enough that people are assured we think kids are in our future but far enough away that people hopefully stop asking us about it for awhile. Lately it feels like the questions have grown more serious and our “five-year” response isn’t doing the trick anymore–but I don’t really know. I’d still say give it time. Plenty of time. We’re in no real rush.

To be honest, sometimes I am overwhelmed by the weight of it all. The idea of raising someone in this world. Our world that’s full of hardship and disappointment, wars and disease. The thought of navigating all of life’s pitfalls through the eyes of the next generation.

I find myself rushing through so much of life right now. Rushing to secure my next job and settle into a career path. Scrambling to live life to its fullest by hardly ever saying “no” to spending time with friends. Hustling to establish a blog that reaches people beyond my immediate circles. Pushing to plan a trip of a lifetime out of the country somewhere with my husband. And over the weekend I realized why–I feel like I have to fit it all in before kids. I want to make sure I accomplish so many of these goals before I have another major priority in my life. I think that’s why there’s this huge sense of urgency in me.

In all actuality, I want kids and so does the hubby. So don’t you worry your pretty little head. One day we’ll add a few littles to this household, and it will be messy, loud, crazy and wonderful all at once. But as the reality of that creeps closer I wrestle with what that might mean. Am I overthinking it? Or worse, underthinking it? (Is that even a word?)

Maybe every potential parent has these fears or feels the magnitude of such things. Or maybe instead they were thrust into it before having enough time to really think it over yet somehow they seem to manage just fine. I suppose time (and a kid or two) will tell.

p.s. Sorry if I got your hopes up…this is clearly not an announcement.

Words

September 7, 2014Samantha Gratton

Sometimes, there are no words. No words that can really sum it all up. No words that can make it all better. No words to truly express how emotion has taken hold. It’s like trying to catch the ocean’s waves with only a butterfly net.

Yet we try to do something about those thoughts and feelings. Whether it’s running away from them, pushing them forward, drowning them out, hiding from them or creating something new.

This week, I had no words. Instead, we created music. While my relationship with music is complicated, I am so grateful for it. It put emotion and meaning into something regarding a tragedy in someone else’s life. There’s nothing I can do and to be honest, I’m incredibly distant from the situation in almost every way.

Since writing it, I’ve been practically consumed by this song. Singing it over and over and now that we have some scratch tracks, I’ve been listening to it on repeat. I can’t tell you why I responded as strongly as I did, other than to say, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” – Romans 12:15

I have no words to close us out. No summary lesson on what this blog’s about. No link to the song as it’s not actually done yet. I suppose all I can say is to keep loving one another. Pray for each other, as sometimes that’s all you can really do.

Verses for Sunday

August 10, 2014Samantha Gratton

¹⁰God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. ¹¹We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, so that what you hope for may be fully realized. ¹²We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised. – Hebrews 6:10-12

Sunday mornings are my sweet time of quiet each week. I’ve got the house to myself, so I take the morning slow. I spend time reading and writing before getting ready for church. Admittedly, my first thought on Sunday mornings is “more sleep” but when I wake up and take that time, I never regret it.

The past few weeks I have been reading these verses over and over. Taking each section and letting it settle in. Separating each verse like a stanza or lyric so that every line reveals its impact.

God is not unjust;
he will not forget your work
and the love you have shown him
as you have helped his people
and continue to help them.

We want each of you to show this same diligence
to the very end,
so that what you hope for
may be fully realized.

We do not want you to become lazy,
but to imitate those
who through faith and patience
inherit what has been promised.

Take just one piece or segment. What grabs you?

I love it all. I want to cling to every word of it. But because my memorization skills are lacking, I’m going to hold onto one thing at a time. To the very end.

Show diligence to the very end. Help people to the very end. Love God to the very end.

This Week’s Three

August 9, 2014Samantha Gratton

So, I missed Thursday by a few dozen hours. Whoops, sorry. But figured I would go ahead and blog the week anyway as it’s been full and good and a little unexpected.

1. Some days there are no words for everything you are feeling. There can be joy and sorrow, happiness and hesitation, disappointment and relief, defeat and hope all at the same time. This week has had a few things like that. They sit mostly on the “good” side but are still taking a while to get our minds wrapped around them all.

2. Nothing says “summer” like a road trip. In the past week we took two semi-impromptu trips and both included a good amount of rain. We saw friends by the beach and family near the mountains, each for a couple days. While brief, it was much needed and quite enjoyed. Trips like these are a huge part of what makes me excited and inspired. The hubby and I recently had a discussion however where he made note of the distinction between a “trip” and a “vacation” (to me they are usually the same thing. To him, a vacation includes almost no agenda and clearing of your head–preferably in a cabin in the woods. I see a vacation as going somewhere and trying new things and gaining new experiences. Honestly, when it comes down to it, I couldn’t care less what you call it, but I’m glad to understand what the difference is for him. Knowing things like this as a couple helps to better communicate expectations and goals when we take time off to go somewhere.

While in Asheville, we checked out Moog--where all sorts of electronic instruments are made — While in Asheville, we checked out Moog, which is where all sorts of electronic instruments are made

3. A season of change is upon us. I wrote a little last week about beginning again and I keep being reminded every day how much we are about to enter into something new even without knowing what it is. We have some friends moving this direction, new opportunities, new challenges and new direction in what we want in life. When life gets stuck in a stagnant stage I seem to grow impatient quickly, yet when there’s time for constant growth and change I can get overwhelmed or panic. One day at a time though, so I’ll be sure to keep you posted once more is known.

Eve of a Milestone

July 1, 2014December 9, 2014Samantha Gratton

For the past few weeks I have thought a lot about this post. Something about turning 25 seems to matter and tomorrow that’s just what I’ll do. I don’t often put a lot of stock in birthdays and typically don’t even let people know it’s happening. My husband can probably tell you about times when we have gone to hang out with people or been at a party and I forbade him to tell anyone that it was my birthday. I don’t really know why, but I’ve kept it more or less secret for awhile. This year I opened the flood gates and made my birthday visible to the masses on Facebook.

Years ago, while studying abroad in college I remember missing a surprise party for someone back home. He was turning 25, and it felt monumental to me at the time. The quarter century mark. We had a fair amount in common, and I looked up to him and respected him (still do, although I haven’t seen him in years). It just felt like something was really happening in his life at that turning point, and I don’t really know why I felt that way or what it was.

As I sit here eating cold pizza and writing a blog on the eve of my birthday I’ve never felt more like a millennial. Not only do I typically hide my birthday, but I often avoid revealing my age. I’ve felt older than my real age since kindergarten. Looking younger than I am never helps, but my friends are almost all older. My adulthood seemed to start sooner between being financially independent after high school, graduating college early and getting married young. I hate being belittled for my age. Yet, here I am, embodying the status quo of a millennial. No job but plenty educated, no idea where I’m going in life, chasing happiness and freelancing on the side. Being married in this time of unemployment has kept me from retreating to my mother’s basement, thankfully.

In the weeks leading up to tomorrow I had hoped something would come to me—an understanding of what this milestone birthday meant or some pearl of wisdom to share. Alas, I have little to offer there. This birthday still feels big though, like something has to happen or is happening. I almost expect to wake up in the morning and actually feel different.

I’m no longer a teenager and haven’t been one for more years than I spent in high school. I’ve been driving for over a decade yet still panic whenever I see a police car. I live with the man I married but am constantly amazed by the power of love. I leave clothes on the floor more often than not but never go a day without making the bed. I like my hair long and seldom wear makeup. Drinking has lost its luster, but I know which wines I most prefer. I have a good group of friends and like to think I am one in return. Budgeting has allowed me (us) to be debt-free, but I still fall prey to a $20 dress in Target almost every time I’m there. I go to the grocery store weekly, but almost never cook. My watch is worn almost daily, but I always seem to be running at least five minutes late. I love writing but will put it off for days for no good reason other than my own insecurities. I have learned a few things about myself but don’t always recognize the person in the mirror.

The next stage in life is a total mystery, when up until this point I always had some sort of plan. Something is happening, but I guess I will have to tell you what it is later. Welcome to 25.

Lost in the Days

June 12, 2014December 9, 2014Samantha Gratton

It’s been about a month. A month since I walked away from a job that didn’t have anything left for me. A month of questioning myself, doubting my strengths and yet still seeing some good. I’ve traveled more than I had anticipated between a family funeral and a few family trips nearby that I had the time to join in on. I struggle daily between feeling like “this is all going to be okay” and “what have I done to end up here in life?”

I’ve tried to regularly wake up in the morning between 8:00 and 9:00 AM, but the days are a strange blur. I never seem to know what day of the week it is. While this may sound like a rare luxury that I should enjoy (and perhaps in some ways it is), it is unsettling. I am constantly wondering if I am missing something, the same way I would occasionally panic as a kid thinking that I had forgotten a homework assignment, even though school was out for the summer. In some ways it feels like this portion of life, this job searching and soul searching, just began last week. In other ways, it feels like I have been without work for months yet I have nothing to show for it. My time has been soaked up—running errands, cleaning the house and spending time with friends and family. That said, my house is somehow still messy, I have a list of things waiting to be accomplished and I don’t seem to be connecting with people as well or as often as I want to.

I try to understand my thoughts and feelings as I wander through this odd time but try not to dwell in the confusion and frustration. When we first decided to move two years ago, I dreaded this time. A time of loss and uncertainty with no real end date. Two years ago, I expected it to happen then instead, not now. Yes, there was plenty of emotion and fear in moving, but once we got here it all happened so fast. We landed jobs and a place to live within mere weeks. I had planned to spend 3-6 months in a transition time without a job or any indication of my future, but I didn’t get the chance. Now, here I am, hoping and praying for some direction.

With hardly a lead in the job search, I get the feeling this might take some time. I want to stay busy and ignore it. Push through and force something to happen. I don’t particularly feel like assessing myself and the situation. I want to move on and not feel like there’s a topic I’d prefer to avoid when mingling with acquaintances. I’m applying to jobs left and right and networking more than I feel I have the energy to. I want to take hold of any opportunity I have to spend time with people when I previously couldn’t. I want to figure out meaning and purpose, but I don’t want to pretend this is all profound. It’s just something that happened. I had a job and now I don’t. It happens to people everyday.

What do I want my life to be about? Shouldn’t we all be asking that? I have a feeling I’m not the only one who doesn’t have that figured out.