finding self Archives - Moving Peaces

Writing and Littles

December 6, 2018December 6, 2018Samantha Gratton

It’s one of those nights where if I don’t write now I’ll probably burst into a million letters and commas—and especially em dashes.

So often I feel like a writer without a home. Not without a literal home because we live in an adorable little rental (emphasis on the “little”) in my favorite part of town (hence the reason why we might not ever leave). As a writer though, I don’t always know where I best fit.

My writing floats throughout the internet searching for meaningful pages to land on and hopefully, for eyeballs to read it and hearts to connect with. I work with publications who print articles featuring my very own byline and clients who want some ghost writing with their names at the top—both of which enable me to type away and even earn a few bucks on the side. But it doesn’t always feel like mine. Then this blog, this space, is technically my own. But I can get caught up in who my audience is or which friend, family member, or potential client might misinterpret my spilled out thoughts or carefully crafted post. My inhibitions take over, and I quarantine my words and expressive phrases to my mind or perhaps a google doc.

Almost seven years ago when I first started this blog called Moving Peaces it was to document a potential cross-country move. “Moving” was obviously for the literal move at the time. Then “Peaces” was my ever-so-clever play on words while also giving a nod to a desire to live peacefully despite my fears of the unknowns. Now, I can’t imagine moving away from this house, let alone across state lines anytime soon. Instead my movement is small but constant as I chase around a toddler and tend to a newborn. And peace? Well sometimes it’s found in the mere moments when both kids are sleeping…before I remember I need to do more laundry or finally take a shower.

Some days I feel the thoughts rearranging into complete sentences or concepts in my head, but my hands are too full to type. Other days my mind feels so numb and tired that by the time I have the opportunity to write, nothing comes to mind. Yet if asked what I do for work or where my core creativity lies, my reply comes swiftly, “I’m a writer.”

Life is full of different seasons, and I try to live in the season I’m in at the moment. Sometimes seasons last a few months, while sometimes they last a few years. Right now I’m unmistakably in the season of littles. Little hearts, little hands, little (and big) messes. Which also means little time, little opportunity, and little energy left at the end of the day. At times, it feels like only a little bit of me as I wrestle with what I prioritize and what I let go of when facing my current limitations and obligations.

Writing is one of those things that feels so innate to me, yet in this season it also feels fleeting. As I strive toward a better understanding of where my writing belongs, I also have a few little hearts to care for—hearts belonging to littles, who belong to me. So perhaps I’m the writer currently in between assignments, or in a different season, or caught somewhere in between the lines. Yet somehow I know—deep in my bones—that one day this writing will find its proper home.

How quickly we forget

February 8, 2018October 23, 2020Samantha Gratton

Where did I put my keys? When’s the library book due? Did I take my vitamins yet today? What’s the name of that person…the one I just met?

All day long, I’m reminded of my short memory. While I may be able to tell you exactly what happened the week before I graduated high school with vivid memory or spout out just when was the last time we all sat in the same room together, I also manage to forget everything.

I forget what life was like before toys were everywhere and a toddler was serving as my primary alarm clock. I forget the strength of the body of work I’ve created or what I’m capable of. I forget how brave I’ve been and the kind of incredible moments it’s caused. I forget who cares about me or what kind of impact I’ve had at some point. I forget the many goals I’ve achieved and bucket list items I’ve checked. I forget the places I’ve seen and people I’ve encountered. I forget what I’m working towards, what we’re aiming for at the end of the day, week, month, or year.

Because I’m not paying attention.

I’m tired. I’m distracted. I’m bored. I’m lonely. I’m self-depricating. I’m jealous. I’m busy. I’m scared.

Here’s the thing, I think sometimes we’re living the lives of our dreams. We’ve forgotten that this, what we once wished for or only imagined, is what we’ve wanted all along. Instead of achievement or elation, we forget because we’ve already started dreaming and lusting after another life. We get to this point, wherever it may be and it isn’t everything we expected. So we move on and determine that this wasn’t the life we dreamed up, because it’s simply not enough (or too much). There’s still a struggle and grind toward that next hurdle to cross.

Now don’t misunderstand me when I say that sometimes we’re living our dreams because in reality, sometimes we are living our nightmares. This is not to make light of those very real and painful moments. There are seasons of grief or misery that strike, and those are most obviously not the lives we’ve dreamed of. But those times may remind us of what we’ve forgotten, either in the moment or once we’ve gotten to the other side of the season.

So what have I forgotten? That I spend time each day watching my son learn and grow. That I love the man I married. That we live in a space and city that suits our needs. That I am healthy and capable. That I’m working as a writer in a freelance capacity. That I have friends and a community to support me. That I have the opportunity to be creative, generous, and kind.

Junior high me is swooning right now. High school me is overjoyed. College me is amazed. Early twenties me is ecstatic. Mid-twenties me is thrilled. And late twenties me? Feeling forgetful but grateful.

Are there things in my life that aren’t ideal? Sure. Am I sometimes lonely or exhausted or bored or about to go crazy if I hear another battery-operated kid song? Yes, absolutely. But in so many ways, this moment I’ve landed on is fulfilling so many of my hopes and dreams. Therefore I want to live in celebration of what it is I have and what has been achieved. Instead of living in comparison or discontentment, I want to cherish and commemorate. Perhaps, this is as good as it’s going to get. You know what? I’ll take it, because in more ways than one, I’m living my dreams.

And that’s something I don’t want to forget.

There Will Be Days

October 29, 2014Samantha Gratton

There will be days when life seems to make sense. You feel like you know who you are, what is most important to you and what your best talents and skills are. Those days are sweet days with a certain ease to it. Your confidence is restored and you have a clarity of mind.

There will also be days when everything you thought you knew goes awry. You flounder about trying to understand why you feel the way you do and wonder what your purpose is in the world. There’s a difficulty and sometimes pain that comes with these days. It can lead to discovery or it can lead to doubt. Self-worth is questioned and positivity is often lost.

You will face both types of days. When you hit one of those days hard, it might seem unfathomable that things will swing back around in the other direction at some point. When that happens, we need to cling to the truths. We need to prepare for both days and acknowledge that they will happen as they are part of life. But then we need to keep moving forward.

This post is a part of the Finding Self series for the 31 Days of blogging in October.
To see the all posts in this series, check out the Finding Self page.

Challenges Defined

October 28, 2014October 28, 2014Samantha Gratton

We all face challenges. Can I start by saying that? I don’t care what you say, the person next to you definitely faces challenges too, no matter how seamless they make life look. Okay, glad we cleared the air there.

One of my challenges has been food. Some of you know about my story of sickness our first few years of marriage. The short of it? I found myself throwing up multiple nights a week with no clear explanation why. After months of doctors and specialists and prescriptions, things hadn’t improved. I changed diets and pressed for more tests until they finally removed my gallbladder. Things didn’t end after surgery as I still found myself quite sick, but on slightly fewer occasions. When I wasn’t throwing up, I felt like I might. I was told I had food allergies but had a long way to go before I found what foods I could actually eat and how to navigate restaurants and grocery stores. I have a long list of allergies to varying degrees, but at the top of the list are garlic and onions.

So that’s the story. It’s why I can’t eat sauces or dressings. Why I have to call ahead when we go out to eat or why I have to coordinate with the caterer directly for weddings and special occasions. It’s why my food inevitably looks different than yours when we share a meal together. It’s why I stopped caring about cooking or complex meals. It’s why I sometimes feel left out in social settings.

When I was in high school I remember seeing the challenges of someone else, which were visible and noticeable to everyone and wishing my challenge was something more easily identified. Now I can’t get through a meal without at least explaining part of the story, regardless of how much I try to skirt around it. For a little while, it felt like that was my story. It was taking over my life in so many ways as I fought through the sickness for answers and relief.

But that’s not the whole story, just an element. It’s something I still have to face on a regular basis. I still get sick (although far less often), and I still have to navigate through menus and ingredient listings. As soon as I can, I try to change the subject. I’m not my sickness or allergy or challenge.

It has shaped me and changed me. It has made me so grateful for the things I can eat (like chocolate) and more aware of the difficulties that one issue can cause in many other facets of life. But it does not define me.

So whatever your challenge is, realize what it truly amounts to. It might be huge, and I am not trying to minimize it necessarily. When this sickness first hit, it seemed like I would never go a week again without feeling sick (and specialists told me as much). What I’m saying is, your challenge might be huge but it doesn’t have to overtake you. You are so much more than the challenges you are facing.

This post is a part of the Finding Self series for the 31 Days of blogging in October.
To see the all posts in this series, check out the Finding Self page.

Say Sorry

October 24, 2014October 24, 2014Samantha Gratton

Sometimes, we have to say sorry.

An apology might not be the first thing that comes to mind when you consider the topic “Finding Self” but I still think it’s important. We live in this culture that says to be you and stand up for yourself. I don’t disagree, but I think we can take it too far.

There are times when I can get too caught up with what I’m doing or thinking. I have this plan for how life should look, not just for me but for everyone around me. I start going on these tangents on how life should go and where people haven’t quite learned what they should have by now. I plow ahead with these thoughts and opinions, at times silently thinking I’m in the clear. I expect graces from people when I’ve been busy or having a bad day but then don’t always offer them when I should for others.

Do I do things intentionally to hurt people? No. But sometimes in my fog of thoughts and feelings I don’t act or react the way I should. Finding self doesn’t mean that I’m always right or that it’s all about how great I am. Finding self means I have to recognize the areas where I’ve failed and let people down. I may be coming into my own in some ways and ready to do amazing things, but I also have things in my life that I’m not proud of and downfalls that aren’t pretty. Realizing that side of self isn’t as flattering or as fun, but it’s often just as significant and something to learn how to handle.

Instead of pressing on ahead like that thing I said or did never happened, it’s worth it to go back and find out what it takes to make it right. Saying sorry requires humility and admitting your shortcomings to someone. Being truly sorry means you are owning up to wrongful thoughts/actions that you’d rather just ignore.

This post is a part of the Finding Self series for the 31 Days of blogging in October.
To see the all posts in this series, check out the Finding Self page.

Guest Post: Serving Others

October 21, 2014October 22, 2014Samantha Gratton

Samantha’s Note: Recently, I realized I could not blog a whole month on my own. Especially not this month which was full of side projects, events, freelance work and job searching. Because of this, I invited a few others to join me in talking about Finding Self to hear what they had to say about it. Neive (isn’t that the coolest name ever?) is a part of a blogging group I belong to and volunteered to write all about how serving others through her faith has helped in finding self. I should also mention that she has the cutest brood of dogs at home and lives in Australia! You might notice a thing or two spelled a little differently, so just go ahead and read it in an Australian accent to get the full experience.

My name is Neive and I blog over at “The Aussie Osborns”. I am so excited to be a part of Samantha’s series “Finding Self”, what a wonderful topic! There are so many different ways that we can find ourselves, but what better way to do it then by bringing light into someone’s life at the same time! Thank you so much Samantha for allowing me to be a guest on your blog, I am honoured.

Find yourself by serving others

Some of you may know the famous quote by Gandhi “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others”, which really rings true to my heart. There have been many times within my life where I have engaged in service and found myself. I’m not talking about some massive epiphany, but characteristics I maybe though I didn’t have or didn’t associate myself with.

That’s not to say that I always throw myself at these opportunities every moment of the day, life is so busy and complicated sometimes it’s hard to find the time to give service to others, but there is always a sense of satisfaction, accomplishment and emotional reward after – for everyone involved. Not to mention how the Lord knows us, he knows the true intention of our hearts and what will make us happy. I know thy works, and charity, and service, and faith, and thy patience, and thy works; and the last to be more than the first (Rev 2:19)

I’m not talking about full blown “make sure you go and clean the next door neighbour’s gutters” kind of service (although you are welcome to do that and I’m sure they will appreciate it). I’m talking about little simple acts things each day, some things that you probably already do. Without realising it we can help serve others in so many ways. Everybody can be great…because everybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love.” (Martin Luther King Jr.)

Deciding for You

October 20, 2014Samantha Gratton

Do you remember the first big decision you made, completely on your own? There’s something amazing that happens when you make a decision completely separate from your parents (but not in a rebellious way) or friends or other influences. A true transition happens when you say, this is important to me and no longer factor in the other opinions. This is of value to me. This decision will impact my life for years to come.

For many it might happen in college, whether it’s choosing a college, choosing a major, choosing to move, deciding to travel, accepting a job or meeting a future spouse. While college may be a typical timeframe that occurs in, college does not deserve all the credit and glory. Often, it has more to do with the time in life and the first real time of distance from parents or even from friends who otherwise heavily influence your decisions. This most certainly does not only occur within a college setting or even in your late teens and early twenties. Maybe you grew up too fast or were a late bloomer. Either way, it happens at some point or another and is a significant moment, whether you realize it at the time or not.

I believe it’s worthwhile to consider that decision. What was it? What did it say about who you were? How did it impact your life? Whatever it was, it was a coming of age. What did that say about you then and how has it shaped you now?

This post is a part of the Finding Self series for the 31 Days of blogging in October.
To see the all posts in this series, check out the Finding Self page.

One of these things…

October 17, 2014October 17, 2014Samantha Gratton

There are parts of my life that don’t seem to line up. Like, I’m not quite hip enough for all the shows I go to. Or don’t have kids hanging off my arms like most of the other women at church. Or I don’t look old enough to do the things I am capable of at work. Or maybe I’m not musical enough for what people expect in relation to my incredibly musically inclined husband.

It seems like I’m never quite what “they” wanted. Sometimes I want to shout in return saying, “I DON’T FIT IN HERE! I KNOW IT JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO!” Yes, I get it, thanks. Because trust me, I feel even more awkward about it than you do. It feels as if my life is hanging in the balances, tinkering on the edge of total discord and absurdity.

So maybe we don’t have the same amount of money, number of kids, personal beliefs, musical talents, magnitude of eye makeup, years of experience or extensive vocabulary. No matter where I turn, I don’t seem to be matching everyone else there in some major life area. As uncomfortable as that can sometimes (often) be, I think there’s something incredibly valuable in it, too. Because instead of continuing on our own little paths, we get to learn from each other and grow from each other. That can’t happen if we all look, talk, act and think the same way. So maybe it will take a little more effort to bridge the gap. Maybe we’ll have to take those differences in stride and assume the best of each other. I’d much rather live amongst a crowd of differences than live a life removed from those who have different experiences and understandings than my own.

…

Sound familiar? Well, to be honest, this is a recycled post because I ran out of time to blog today and this seemed like it suited the topic fairly well. Being caught in the awkward stage and feeling like I don’t belong or fit in with others is not easy. But it has been in these moments that I have learned the most, both about others and about myself.

This post is a part of the Finding Self series for the 31 Days of blogging in October.
To see the all posts in this series, check out the Finding Self page.

Why We Fit

October 14, 2014December 9, 2014Samantha Gratton

When the hubby and I first started dating (over seven years ago…whoa!) not everyone understood it. Our close friends thought it made perfect sense as they had watched us become friends and flirt, pursue our dreams and decide to date. They saw how we reacted to different situations, together and apart.

At the time, his family and band lived a few hours away. They didn’t watch this natural progression nor did they have any idea of who I was. So when they met me, they were puzzled. Her?

I got so many questions as they tried to get to know me and understand why he wanted to date me. What instrument did I play? Did I like camping? Did I even like music? Why did I go to school so far away? What were my hobbies? What did I do in my spare time?

All fair questions to ask a person when you’re getting to know someone I suppose. But it didn’t translate. Why would my music-loving, multi-instrumentalist, boy scout, barista boyfriend want to date me? The girl who played no instruments, had never been camping and was an academic overachiever going to school in another state.

When you put it like that…hmm. Well? (Let me also mention that I was a broke college student, so he wasn’t after my money). We were both pressed by these questions of what we had in common and when put on the spot, couldn’t quite come up with an answer. We fought in circles, questioning expectations of each other and searching for answers we didn’t have. Those questions tripped us up because while they ultimately aren’t key factors in a relationship they were being treated as such. We knew we liked each other, but was that enough? Why didn’t we have all of the same hobbies and skills? Should we? Who should change?

It wasn’t until we realized we had the same values that we understood why we made total sense as a couple. Sure, we each have a hobby or two that the other has no interest in. We also both support each other and try to understand one another’s interests. All of that is fine and good, but our interests don’t truly define us.

We both see hospitality as a way of life. We believe creativity is of worth. We are deliberate in our spending habits. We care deeply for our friends. We love the same God.

These values made up who we were as a couple. Likewise, as individuals, our personal values have a greater impact on who we are than our hobbies do.

This post is a part of the Finding Self series for the 31 Days of blogging in October.
To see the all posts in this series, check out the Finding Self page.

Finding a Job or Finding Self

October 13, 2014December 9, 2014Samantha Gratton

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room, shall we?

In May, my job ended. Since then I’ve had my share of interviews and opportunities and then even more ~~rejection~~ interviews. I’ve tried everything, tried nothing, doubted, and questioned. I’ve loaded my schedule and have taken on more freelance work. I’m currently volunteering and even working a 3-month contract position with full-time hours.

Through all of it, I’ve questioned everything. I questioned why this happened and if I could have/should have done something different. I mentally revisited every job I had ever taken or turned down and questioned if I had made the right decisions. With each rejection this summer I questioned what I did wrong in my interviews. If my cover letters or resumes were bad or if I didn’t wear the right outfit. I questioned what my friends and acquaintances must think of me for being stuck in this situation. Did I seem like a quitter or a failure? Did they even take me seriously any more? It seeped into everything else I did as I questioned my abilities across the board. Was I good at project management? Did I make any impact on the work I did? Did I know how to move a project from an idea stage to fruition? Was I actually a valuable member on a team? Was my writing any good?

Before all of that, I had talked about a job not defining a person. I meant it, too. I’ve had a few jobs that haven’t quite suited me, but I always had a job. So when I didn’t have one, I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t know what my purpose was and wasn’t confident in my abilities. I tried to claim different things and own different passions. I practiced saying a sentence summary of who I was in the car while running errands. I stayed up late and woke up early to show that I was using my time for something. I stayed inside more often than an unemployed person should in the summer time just so I wouldn’t have to explain myself to the neighbors.

So does this all have a point? Have I reached that epiphany and know who I am now?

I’m working on it.

I had an unsettling feeling that this whole thing would shake things up a bit. I don’t necessarily like learning things the hard way though and hoped it would all pass quickly. I’m still searching for a job, but also still hopeful. Some days I come off as confident and other days I likely sound more desperate. But when it comes down to it, I have a better idea of who I am and what’s important to me now in regards to work.

I’ve found that I don’t have to wait for a job offer to do the things I like doing. I can write as much as I want on this blog and work on growing my online presence. I can learn presentation skills on stage while playing music with my husband. I can plan events at church or by volunteering with various organizations. I can help people without working at a nonprofit, and I can manage projects that are my own instead of someone else’s.

Knowing that I can do all of that right now, without waiting for someone’s approval or paycheck, is incredibly freeing. Do I still have self-doubt and tears and wonder when I’ll move forward professionally? Of course. The difference between now and six months ago is that I’m actually doing all of those things wholeheartedly. While this journey hasn’t been easy, it has given me a much greater sense of what I am capable of doing and what I want to do during my life.

This post is a part of the Finding Self series for the 31 Days of blogging in October.
To see the all posts in this series, check out the Finding Self page.