fears Archives - Moving Peaces

About Having Babies

September 22, 2014September 22, 2014Samantha Gratton

Never did I think this would be a topic I would write about, at least not until maybe after the fact. But talk to any stranger in the grocery store all the way up to your best friends and suddenly it no longer feels like a personal matter. Everyone is quick to ask when we plan to have these sweet little cherubs.

If you had asked me in high school what I wanted to be when I grew up, I usually said something along the lines of “being a mom.” I’d start out by talking about college or maybe some sort of career in the meantime, but that wasn’t the real goal in my mind. When we got married, we told people we were on the “five-year plan” (why people feel they need to know that is beyond me). A couple years ago we joked with people that we were on the “nonstop five-year plan” meaning we were always five years out from having kids. The great thing about saying five years is that it is close enough that people are assured we think kids are in our future but far enough away that people hopefully stop asking us about it for awhile. Lately it feels like the questions have grown more serious and our “five-year” response isn’t doing the trick anymore–but I don’t really know. I’d still say give it time. Plenty of time. We’re in no real rush.

To be honest, sometimes I am overwhelmed by the weight of it all. The idea of raising someone in this world. Our world that’s full of hardship and disappointment, wars and disease. The thought of navigating all of life’s pitfalls through the eyes of the next generation.

I find myself rushing through so much of life right now. Rushing to secure my next job and settle into a career path. Scrambling to live life to its fullest by hardly ever saying “no” to spending time with friends. Hustling to establish a blog that reaches people beyond my immediate circles. Pushing to plan a trip of a lifetime out of the country somewhere with my husband. And over the weekend I realized why–I feel like I have to fit it all in before kids. I want to make sure I accomplish so many of these goals before I have another major priority in my life. I think that’s why there’s this huge sense of urgency in me.

In all actuality, I want kids and so does the hubby. So don’t you worry your pretty little head. One day we’ll add a few littles to this household, and it will be messy, loud, crazy and wonderful all at once. But as the reality of that creeps closer I wrestle with what that might mean. Am I overthinking it? Or worse, underthinking it? (Is that even a word?)

Maybe every potential parent has these fears or feels the magnitude of such things. Or maybe instead they were thrust into it before having enough time to really think it over yet somehow they seem to manage just fine. I suppose time (and a kid or two) will tell.

p.s. Sorry if I got your hopes up…this is clearly not an announcement.

Behind the Blogging

September 17, 2014September 15, 2014Samantha Gratton

This is my blog post about blogging. It’s about dreams and big goals that are scary to exclaim to the world. Maybe I’ll fail or maybe I’ll succeed.

I’ve had several blogs dating all the way back to high school at this point. I also have a bad habit of starting a blog relating to some life event and then dropping off after I finished traveling or got married. This blog started when we first started working towards a cross-country move but after we moved and somewhat settled in, I knew it was time to hold onto it. Writing is second-nature to me, but I still have to sit down and actually do it. I have to will myself to find something to write about and have to consider writing to an audience not just to a diary. As I felt the lull in this blog, I instead implemented the Thursday Three posts to prompt something each week.

So just to make it all official, I wanted to inform you that my blog is different. It’s been a work in progress for a couple months now, and I’m still working on creating different categories and pages, subscriptions and eventually, a more custom design. But for now, I’m happy to have the freedom and flexibility to explore.

How did this come to be? Well, I hate to admit this but I’ve worked at a few different web/design/marketing agencies among some fairly talented web developers for years, but I was too scared to ask for help. There was a part of me that was too proud to ask, figuring it was such a small thing that I should be able to figure out on my own. The other part of me reasoned that they had better things to do in their free time and my little tiny blog was not worth bothering them about. Recently however, a friend (who happens to be a talented designer/developer) asked me about my blog and what I wanted to do with it. I told her about some of the limitations I was facing and she simply said, “I can do that.” I was so grateful to her for all of her help getting me set up and practically bouncing up and down when she told me. Just like that my world opened up, and I decided this was my opportunity to go for it. To truly go for it.

While I complained about some of my limitations in the past, they also made me feel safe. I didn’t feel like I had to keep up with blogging or really challenge myself to grow. I knew I could stay there, not try and it would never count as a failure. My small number of readers was fine because then I didn’t have to push to promote it or share it with the outside world. I felt comfortably sheltered in my bubble of friends who read it because that meant I didn’t have to completely face the reality of putting myself out there. But when it comes down to it, if I don’t commit to it, I’ll never really know what I am capable of as a writer or as a blogger.

As I (hope to) grow, there’s a few other things I’ve begun to consider. I want to find my voice and identity as a blogger, yet maintain the authenticity that comes from just jotting down the first things that come to mind from time to time. I want to be a bigger part of the blogging community by actually engaging with the many blogs I read on a regular basis. Likewise, I hope to engage more with my own readers and also further my reach through blogging. Maybe one day I’ll have ads or sponsored posts, not just to drive you crazy but to further push myself to discover and define my voice as a writer.

Last year at a conference, everyone in the audience was encouraged to write down a creative dream or goal. Personally and professionally, I was at a weird place but a true dream of mine still managed to seep out. My dream? “Writing on a large platform about life, pointing to God and healing hurt for others.”

So there it is. My goal is no longer the secret that it has been for the last year. I want what I write to matter–my lessons learned to help someone and my silly stories to encourage someone. I want to inspire and support someone. Here I am now, facing the world with my thoughts and ideas, struggles and candor. And I’m asking you to join me. To share it with others and to stick with me along the way.

Spit it Out

June 14, 2012Samantha Gratton

Just say it. There are things beneath the surface. There are fears and frustrations that we each need to talk about. Where do they go? How do you say it? When do you say it? Who gets to hear?

The thing is, sometimes we don’t want to talk about those things. Or one of us does and the other one doesn’t. Or watching tv and playing video games is easier and less stressful. We have reasons to go, reasons to stay. Reasons for excitement, reasons for fear. Also, some straight-up logistics. But the logistics become a reminder of the other thoughts and mixed emotions happening and then it becomes a crazy conversation before it even leaves your head.

Right now though we’re trying to determine what needs to be said now, what needs to be addressed later and what we need to let go of completely. Because honestly, you don’t just go and restart your life with a new state, new career path and new life plan without having a few pieces of baggage to deal with (both literally and figuratively). In the past few months we’ve been hurt; we’ve been bored; we’ve been challenged; we’ve been confused; we’ve been excited; we’ve disagreed; we’ve been rejected; we’ve cried; we’ve dreamed; we’ve prayed and we’ve been blessed.

Needless to say, it’s a lot to digest.

Without a Job

June 6, 2012December 9, 2014Samantha Gratton

After a good long walk and talk with my mom, I think I’ve come to realize a few things. To start, I am less nervous than I was when writing my previous post. That’s a success. As we talked I realized how much I know and feel strongly that it is time for us to move. We love so many things about life here and the people in it, but it’s clear that we need a change. We’re ready and restless. I think I have found peace in that truth.

What I was wrestling with was that I don’t always feel like our next destination is where we’re called. I feel lead to leave, but I don’t yet feel called in a certain place. There are plenty of logical reasons why I think we are making a decent decision, but I’ve been praying for a clear directive that this is where we are supposed to go. But at the same time, I have a feeling that might be my leap of faith. I’ve been clinging to, “If we only had a job.”

Digging further though, I don’t know if that’s the answer. Yes, having a job beforehand would alleviate some of my fears. But when you get down to it, I think I want something better to tell people than, “We’re just moving.” It seems the root problem is actually being concerned with the perceptions and thoughts of others when we break the news. I’m a practical person, and I’d like to think we both have good heads on our shoulders. What I’m coming to understand are my two biggest fears in this adventure – 1. Failure. 2. Perception of Failure.

Right now, that second fear is holding me back before I’ve even reached it. That is what I’m going to have to let go as we continue to pursue this. Plus, I have a feeling those fears are not unique to this situation.