Lost in the Days

It’s been about a month. A month since I walked away from a job that didn’t have anything left for me. A month of questioning myself, doubting my strengths and yet still seeing some good. I’ve traveled more than I had anticipated between a family funeral and a few family trips nearby that I had the time to join in on. I struggle daily between feeling like “this is all going to be okay” and “what have I done to end up here in life?”

I’ve tried to regularly wake up in the morning between 8:00 and 9:00 AM, but the days are a strange blur. I never seem to know what day of the week it is. While this may sound like a rare luxury that I should enjoy (and perhaps in some ways it is), it is unsettling. I am constantly wondering if I am missing something, the same way I would occasionally panic as a kid thinking that I had forgotten a homework assignment, even though school was out for the summer. In some ways it feels like this portion of life, this job searching and soul searching, just began last week. In other ways, it feels like I have been without work for months yet I have nothing to show for it. My time has been soaked up—running errands, cleaning the house and spending time with friends and family. That said, my house is somehow still messy, I have a list of things waiting to be accomplished and I don’t seem to be connecting with people as well or as often as I want to.

I try to understand my thoughts and feelings as I wander through this odd time but try not to dwell in the confusion and frustration. When we first decided to move two years ago, I dreaded this time. A time of loss and uncertainty with no real end date. Two years ago, I expected it to happen then instead, not now. Yes, there was plenty of emotion and fear in moving, but once we got here it all happened so fast. We landed jobs and a place to live within mere weeks. I had planned to spend 3-6 months in a transition time without a job or any indication of my future, but I didn’t get the chance. Now, here I am, hoping and praying for some direction.

With hardly a lead in the job search, I get the feeling this might take some time. I want to stay busy and ignore it. Push through and force something to happen. I don’t particularly feel like assessing myself and the situation. I want to move on and not feel like there’s a topic I’d prefer to avoid when mingling with acquaintances. I’m applying to jobs left and right and networking more than I feel I have the energy to. I want to take hold of any opportunity I have to spend time with people when I previously couldn’t. I want to figure out meaning and purpose, but I don’t want to pretend this is all profound. It’s just something that happened. I had a job and now I don’t. It happens to people everyday.

What do I want my life to be about? Shouldn’t we all be asking that? I have a feeling I’m not the only one who doesn’t have that figured out.   

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