Jobs & Identity

Regrets and Regards

Samantha Gratton

People say they have no regrets in life. I don’t know that I have any major regrets, but sometimes my longing for things to be good and right means I can become preoccupied with “what ifs” and “why nots”. What if I had turned down that job? Why didn’t I say it that way? What if I had her as a bridesmaid in my wedding? Why didn’t I buy a second pair of my favorite shoes when I had the chance? I can get so hung up on these details. I want to get the most out of life, the best deal and the optimal experience. Which is why when we last went to the movie theater, five minutes in I insisted we switch theaters because we chose the wrong movie of the two options. 

It’s often the first thing I think of—how could this have been better? Why didn’t I do this? Now that I know better…ah, geeze. In a time of such crazy transition and life change it’s hard not to wonder where my life is going and how I can set it on the best path. With my recent job search I’ve applied to, and even interviewed for, jobs that would suit me yet have me heading in an entirely different direction. It’s enough to really make my head spin.

But what I try (and fail) to do is to consider what happened instead. I took that job and learned a lot about myself and made some new friendships. I said it the way I said it and found out who stood behind me. She wasn’t a bridesmaid, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be one of my favorite people to talk to. I’ve found a new favorite pair of shoes since the old ones were in such a shambles. It’s because of these situations that I’ve had some great experiences or just some interesting stories. It pushes me and challenges me. I can’t change that decision that happened years ago or take back what I said. All I can do now is live with it and hopefully make a better/different decision when the opportunity next arises. The perfectionist in me continues to grapple with this, but hopefully admitting to this struggle will help me stop over-analyzing the past.

In Time

Samantha Gratton

There’s a timeline that’s beyond me. It might not be linear or even understandable, but it’s happening. In the times of confusion and frustration, I find it easy to be impatient for what’s to come. But it always seems to happen in due time. Not my time. His time. I know it to be true. This peace can only come from a creator that has it all under control.

It’s how I know this whole mess of a job situation is going to get figured out when it’s supposed to. The job that’s next for me will be here before I know it, and the timing will be right, whatever that may mean. Sometimes I can forget the blessings I’ve been given. I freak out and worry, when only days beforehand I explained all of His mercies we’ve received with this move. Reading Exodus in the Old Testament, it always seemed so silly to me that the Israelites could so quickly forget their deliverance out of Egypt and the Lord’s continued provisions for them. But let’s face it, I do that more than I realize. Thankfully, we serve a loving and persistent God.

“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today…” Exodus 14:13 

A Little Bit

Samantha Gratton

I’m confused. I’m freaked out. I’m conflicted. I’m stressed. I’m relieved. I’m excited. I’m hopeful. I’m defeated. I’m speechless. I’m overwhelmed. I’m terrified. I’m brave. I’m exhausted.

These are just a few of the current states I bounce back and forth between. The adventure has certainly not ended yet, and I’m starting to get the feeling that it never truly will. Recently, I took another little leap into the unknown. There’s some crazy to it with some good reason mixed in, too. The bottom line is – what do you want your life to be about?

For me, it’s not work, and work alone. While there’s more to discuss on this stance, for now, I’ll fill you in a little on the latest. That job that I got? I decided to leave it. The root cause? Work/life balance is a vital part of life for me, and it wasn’t happening there.

I have so many views on this whole ordeal as it wasn’t the easiest decision I’ve ever made, although it does seem like the right one. In some ways, I’ve never felt more empowered to actually stick up for myself and what mattered more. In other ways, I feel like an utter failure for not being tough enough to stick it out as I know there are certainly worse jobs in the world. For this tiny portion of time it feels like I have taken my good, stable life and traded it out for a melting ice cream cone. And then knocked the top scoop to the cement.

There’s a lot to figure out from here, and it’s all feeling rather tumultuous right now. Because not only did I quit, but they then asked me to stick around a while longer to work as a contractor. Where my life is going right now, I have no idea. Please see paragraph 1 for more details.

Count it

Samantha Gratton

Let’s take a little inventory on life right now. Because frankly, sometimes all at once I am wrapped up in the complete absurdity of it all. This is a small snapshot of what I realize:

  • Three months ago today was our last day at work at our old jobs.
  • Three days later, we packed all of our things and drove halfway across the country.
  • Three weeks later (exactly three weeks from the day we moved), we moved again to our new home with job offers.
  • Three times our car has been towed for repairs.
  • Three different couples have hung out with us so far.
  • We’ve visited eight different churches (I couldn’t keep the three thing going any more).
  • The hubby’s gained seven pounds (finally).
  • The number of nights I’ve worked past eight is far too high.
  • Five skype tours have been given of our new digs.
  • I’ve gotten sick four times.
  • Nine craigslist deals have been made in North Carolina.
  • 95 blog posts about this move/adventure have been written to date.

A lot has happened in a very short time. It all went so fast. Before taking it all on I would have guessed we’d still be in someone else’s basement at this point. Now I’m wondering how we got here so quickly. As I sit on a newly acquired craigslist couch and look around my apartment I still can’t totally grasp that this is it. Is the adventure part done now that we’ve moved, found jobs and maybe even found a church? I don’t think so. But I can’t say it’s been the adventure I thought it would be.

I don’t feel I am articulating all of my thoughts very well right now, but in essence, this all happened before I realized. We slid into our new lives, it seemed, before I knew what was happening. Some of that has been great and some of it might need to be rearranged. Time will tell what stays and what goes in this new life of ours.

Quote: Quit

Samantha Gratton

Quit Stuff …to give yourself room to grow and to give God room to work. The patterns of life can weigh down and hold back. Quitting things forces you forward to explore new opportunities, to try new things you wouldn’t have time for otherwise and to fill your life with things that are fresh, different and dangerous.

Bob Goff in a recent article in Relevant Magazine

I can’t quite decide what to think about this. Goff apparently goes to extreme measures and quits something every Thursday—leases, jobs, furniture, board positions, volunteering. While that’s a bit too much for me, I think there’s some wisdom behind this idea. In a lot of ways, that’s what happened when we moved. Is it time to quit something already?

Love What You Do

Samantha Gratton

I thoroughly enjoy blogging. This predilection takes me out of my head sometimes and just allows the thoughts to fall out. I like the idea that people then read it and maybe come to similar conclusions as I did or feel inspired and excited by whatever it is I just wrote. There’s a certain thrill and excitement that comes when an idea first sparks, and I know I’ll be able to chase it down and discover where it leads. It is something that makes me feel truly alive, and it motivates me to do things I never would have imagined.

The hubby finds a similar joy with music. He writes and plays and records all sorts of ideas. Some days I’ll come home and find him so immersed in his music that I’ll walk in, make dinner and settle in, and he won’t even know I’m home. Or that he’s hungry. It’s the type of thrill and excitement that comes from doing what you love. Something inside of you comes alive that can’t be explained or duplicated elsewhere.

Often people will say, “Do what you love.” There’s definitely some truth to that, but I don’t think it should be the ultimate career goal. I believe your job should incorporate or have some overlap with what you love, but to keep some of your work separate from what you love doing. For instance, if I took my love of blogging and made it my job, it would be a completely different blog. First of all, I’d need to have ads, something I can’t promise won’t ever happen, but not something I’m interested in doing right now. This blog is a safe space for me to say what I think and comment on what’s happening, not a place for me to plug random products I receive in the mail. (Bloggers of the world: If you do this, it’s okay! Just not something I’m ready for.) Past that, in order for me to make this blog my job, I’d need to do a whole lot more self-promo. And probably upgrade from a tumblr and hire a web designer to make me look legit. I’d also need to blog consistently and regularly. This is not a bad thing, but I do think it would take out the spontaneity and raw perspective that this holds now. Instead of being naturally prolific, there would be a certain pressure to write something good every time and something that my readers want to read.

Now, if all I want to do is blog what I think but suddenly I’m doing all of that too, is it still something I love? I can’t say I know for sure, but I’ve had blogs in the past that were more closely followed, and they fizzled out. I wasn’t able to be as true to who I was. It became a blog for somebody else and not for me. I think the same concept can be applied for many people and what they love, whether it’s art or music or crafts or cooking or sports or something else completely. When your creative outlet becomes what you depend on for groceries/rent, it changes. It’s not all bad, but still very different. For me, in lieu of “do what you love” I’ve decided to “love what I do.” By that I mean, I am going to enjoy this act of blogging for what it is, how it is. I love it enough as it is that it isn’t worth it to change it right now into something I don’t love as much. I’ll do other things that I’m good at and enjoy in my career but keep what I love separate so I can continue to love it.

Photo: First Day

Samantha Gratton

Isn’t he handsome? Hubby’s first day of work is today, and I am so excited for him. Seriously. Life is crazy and within two weeks of moving out, he was offered this job. As of today, he is now a producer of a nationally syndicated radio show, and I’m sure he is just the guy for the job. Before his last job, he worked in radio and certainly knows the ins and outs of recording and producing audio. I’m eager to hear later today how it went and of course, how well that outfit suited his new workplace.

Interviewing on the Job

Samantha Gratton

Except…this really happened. My old job (as of yesterday) rocked. It had its days that weren’t easy, but all in all, it was a great place to be. Tonight I said goodbye and couldn’t keep back the tears as I drove away. I can’t really put to words what it was like being “the girl” for the past year and how much I’m going to miss working there. While I’ve been grateful that they’ve been so supportive about this new venture (allowing me to take phone interviews at work and everything), I almost wish they’d put up more of a fight. I’m really going to miss these guys—their talent, their ridiculous quotes and their hearts.

Resignation

Samantha Gratton

I’m starting to think about that gulp of air. Sweaty hands rubbing. Biting my lower lip. “Um…”

Quitting isn’t easy. We’re both blessed that we like our jobs. We’re hoping that means our employers are also gracious when we tell each of them we’re leaving without another job. Turning down a good thing. Leaving something we enjoy.

Okay – interjection – as I’m typing this very blog post, a friend of mine texted to me say “I hate job hunting.” Everyone does! Oh my goodness, and I’m going to willingly give up a decent gig? Sigh. It’s part of the adventure I suppose.

But past all of that, I think we’re both sad to quit. Sad to leave our teams behind. We each work in tight-knit environments. On one hand, life will obviously go on without us and they functioned fine before us. But on the other hand, we’ve taken on some serious ownership in our jobs. We really care about the outcome of the work we do. We care about the people we work with. Quitting might cause some difficulty for those same people and the outcome of the work may suffer for a little while afterwards. That’s hard to take in. In a way, we’ll be the cause of that. Not too thrilled about that idea.

Unless something crazy happens though, we’ll be giving our notice in two and a half weeks.

Without a Job

Samantha Gratton

After a good long walk and talk with my mom, I think I’ve come to realize a few things. To start, I am less nervous than I was when writing my previous post. That’s a success. As we talked I realized how much I know and feel strongly that it is time for us to move. We love so many things about life here and the people in it, but it’s clear that we need a change. We’re ready and restless. I think I have found peace in that truth.

What I was wrestling with was that I don’t always feel like our next destination is where we’re called. I feel lead to leave, but I don’t yet feel called in a certain place. There are plenty of logical reasons why I think we are making a decent decision, but I’ve been praying for a clear directive that this is where we are supposed to go. But at the same time, I have a feeling that might be my leap of faith. I’ve been clinging to, “If we only had a job.”

Digging further though, I don’t know if that’s the answer. Yes, having a job beforehand would alleviate some of my fears. But when you get down to it, I think I want something better to tell people than, “We’re just moving.”  It seems the root problem is actually being concerned with the perceptions and thoughts of others when we break the news. I’m a practical person, and I’d like to think we both have good heads on our shoulders. What I’m coming to understand are my two biggest fears in this adventure – 1. Failure. 2. Perception of Failure.

Right now, that second fear is holding me back before I’ve even reached it. That is what I’m going to have to let go as we continue to pursue this. Plus, I have a feeling those fears are not unique to this situation.