Jobs & Identity

The Dating Scene

Samantha Gratton

Remember high school? When there was a big dance every couple of months and people went a little crazy during that time? Everyone trying to find their perfect match, both in dancing partner and in attire. The past few months have felt a little like that as I’ve been interviewing for different jobs. Of course, the most interviews occurred the exact same week we were moving (and hopefully that explains my extra stressed self). A few more followed after that and drama (or melodrama) ensued.

Interviewing is very similar to dating as you look to find a fit. The interviews grow longer each time you meet and the questions become more personal. Maybe they buy you dinner or maybe they tell you their best jokes so you’ll like them. Simultaneously, they are dating a few other girls and it starts to resemble an episode of the Bachelor. I put my heart on the line and hoped for the best. Meanwhile, another boy or two had their eye on me. One was just looking for a friend, one wasn’t really ready for a relationship and yet another just wouldn’t give up. I had that awkward boy pursuing me who wouldn’t take no for an answer. Honey, I think we’ll both be happier this way. Find the girl who likes you back.

Ultimately, I was heart broken. My metaphorical guy (in the shape of a job) broke my heart and my real-life guy (the one that I’m married to) brought home flowers. It was an ugly break-up on my end. I’ve never cried so much over a job I never had. They chose the other girl and being the runner-up just doesn’t really count for anything. I’ve gone through all the stages of a typical break-up the past month. First, I played it cool and casual when he broke the news over the phone. Then I texted a friend or two before going home that weekend to watch movies and burst into tears at any given moment. I tried to forget all about it but ended up being distant and distracted. I cried after he called to say his friend might be interested in someone like me, but went to meet the friend anyway. I questioned the validity of the relationship and tried to find the signs I had missed in the past. I sent out resumes and considered either a serious rebound with that awkward job or curling up and never working again. Finally, I did the sensible thing and got back out there in the dating world of jobs.

To be continued…

365 days later

Samantha Gratton

A year ago today we arrived in the Raleigh area. We had been in North Carolina just shy of three weeks and were ready to take on our new surroundings. On August 27th we drove into town, rented a truck and started the transition into our new life. We gathered all of our belongings from a storage unit and hired a guy to help us move it into our new apartment. Amidst the heat, our fish died and between that, the suffocating humidity and the magnitude of our duties for the remainder of the day, we contemplated a few tears. But all in all, we knew it was the start of something new, brand new. New jobs were on the table, a new (to us) couch was in the truck and North Carolina had just gained two new residents.

We laughed and cried, fought and made up, grieved our losses and celebrated our successes…all of the Hallmark emotions were there. Throughout the year, we rediscovered why we were best friends, as well as why we still need other friends. We attended festivals and parties and became incredibly bold in “friending” people, not just in the social media sense. We found new jobs and left the jobs we had when we first arrived. We checked out schools and planned for our future, not knowing how different it would later be, yet still managed to both attend school a year later. We found a church that we visited on accident, only to become a bigger part of it than we imagined. We saw several East Coast cities and maybe even managed to find our favorite seafood restaurant near the beach. We bought a new fish and tried new hobbies. Holidays were different—we didn’t have a tree but we still had our annual Christmas card. Somewhere along the way we made new friends and kept in contact with some of our old friends, just in a different way than before.

Today was the last day in our apartment. Thankfully, the bulk of our stuff has already been moved. By our new friends. To our new (rented) house. A year later and here we are—still loving living here. This new place seems to solidify it a little more for us. We want to settle in and invest in our community. We want to call this home and put down roots.  We felt the little inklings last year that it was a turning point in our lives, and now we know that to be true. It’s been a great (hard/interesting/challenging/different/crazy/surprising/strange/wonderful) year here, and we’re excited for year two and all it might bring.

Vocational Pursuits

Samantha Gratton

There are people who love their jobs. These people that live and breathe what they do, almost obnoxiously so. I know it doesn’t exist merely in movies or books where the character’s job encapsulates their personality. I’ve seen it happen in real life with people I know and love. Sometimes it is a dream job after years of searching or sometimes, that lucky person seemingly walks into what it is they want to do. Their interests and loves and strengths present the perfect opportunity to just do and be.

It is truly a beautiful thing to witness someone right in their element, doing what they were intended to do. Or at least, doing what they are supposed to for that season of time. Not only is the work better, but life outside of work is better, too. I’m not just talking about a job, but a vocation, be it an organizational setting or community or family. A person isn’t only defined by their job, but it sure does impact a major portion of your time. It brings me such joy to witness those in a vocational setting of passion, challenge and strength.

Right now, that’s not my story. I will continue to work as hard as possible and show love to those around me, but I feel it deep within me that this isn’t what I was made to do. I’ve worked at a few places now where it hasn’t all added up to the right fit. I’ve also had the blessing of being somewhere that made me feel alive at the end of the day. I’ve learned the hard way that there’s a difference between saying “I could do that” and “I want to do that!” No more. No more pretending to be something I’m not in an effort to find myself. All I can do is be the best me. My goal is to find that place and that opportunity where everything meets up. Where I’m doing what I was meant to do. Because I deeply believe there is something I was made to do, something more than this. Call me a dreamer all you want, but don’t call me a quitter because I’m far from quitting on my dreams. I’m on a quest to use the strengths and talents God gave me for his glory and that’s nothing short of exciting.

Maybe someone out there thinks I am just bent on being unhappy at my job or that I can’t commit. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m committed and passionate about living a life with purpose that suits my unique skills and talents. I’m thrilled about embarking on this adventure called life and refuse to give in to the stagnant monotony our society assigns. There’s more out there, and I believe it comes from a God who gifted each of us differently. If we weren’t meant to use those gifts, then why would He give them to us?

Maybe I Panic

Samantha Gratton

Every once in a while, the doubt creeps in and I look around and think, what have we done? I second guess myself. I worry but call it “wonder” about the future. What jobs we’ll have. Where we’ll live. If we can afford a house. If we can have kids. What kind of pain or challenges we’ll face. And before I know it, I’m already anxious about things that haven’t even happened. Mourning losses and giving up hope for things that are not in the near future.

Why do I do that? What purpose does it serve?

I don’t know. I just don’t know what all of that will look like. And all I can do is take a deep breath, hope and pray.

I Write

Samantha Gratton

Yes, I’ve said it before and you can hardly deny it—I write. I won’t claim whether or not it’s good. I’ve certainly read books and blogs with far superior writing than my own. I just can’t help it though, when I learn and think and grow, it pours out of me. It’s been a continual hobby and passion. It’s what allows me to think through thoughts even further and then later reflect on where I’ve been.

So now the question is, how can that be used? What might I be called to use this hobby and skill for? Because rooted down in me, I know this cannot only be for my own good. There’s got to be something more. Until I know what that is, I’ll just keep writing. That way I’m ready for whatever is in store.

Pick me, pick me!

Samantha Gratton

Life feels a bit like 5th grade P.E. at the moment. Remember standing against the wall waiting to pick teams for dodge ball? The teacher would appoint two captains, and you waited (and silently screamed) to be picked for your team of choice. While Ashley might be your BFF of the week, John was your crush of the week and inevitably, better at dodge ball…so the choice was clear. That is, until they started calling off names.

KAYLA!
CHASE!
STEPHEN!
MATT!

Oh my! How am I supposed to choose now? Stephen and John are best friends, the cutest boys in the class AND they’re on opposing teams? Ohh, I’m not sure i want to be on the same team as Chase. Maybe I should be on Ashley’s team instead. Well, would I rather win or have more fun? Hmm.

LEONNA! Ugh. Sooo slow.
PAIGE! Dang, they picked her before me?

Suddenly the entire game was different. I’d stand there and fret over which was the better option until my name was called….as if my weighing out the options made any difference. Just like life.

THIS JOB!
THAT JOB!
SCHOOL!
LIVE THERE!

What?? Same place, different job? Different place, same people? Mixing business with pleasure? School now or later? Same school, different program? The options keep changing, and I don’t even know what team to jump on! But let’s face it. Analyzing and over analyzing all of the various scenarios won’t make much of a difference. Ultimately, I don’t get to pick my team. I’m chosen for it.

Dear 38-year-old Me,

Samantha Gratton

On my last day of being a stay-at-home-wife before returning to work, I must say a few things to you, my future self. In this time between jobs I’ve spent many mornings and afternoons in a world only stay-at-home people know. It’s given me a glimpse into that life: mid-morning work-out classes, daytime grocery shopping, running errands, housework and time alone. Whether you have been given the blessing of being a stay-at-home-mom or even the blessing of still being alive, please keep the following in mind. 

First of all, this letter is harder to start writing than I thought. At the gym this morning all of those ladies kept gossiping and complaining about every little thing from the person next to them being to close to the ways they lied to their husbands. It drove you nuts enough to write this letter. Remember that. Remember the way that just standing next to it made you feel icky and do not engage in that kind of behavior—gossip or foolish talk. It’s not hard to become that way but it also isn’t graceful, becoming or admirable. It’s a nasty habit, so instead decide to say and do otherwise and I promise your ability to make an impact will be greater without such prattle. (p.s. don’t stop going to the gym though—you need to stay in shape and stay healthy, regardless of your age).

Take note: Monday morning shoppers mean business. And good for them! While you might want to stay out of their way, I’m sure some sort of routine is good. Make a list and accomplish more. The weeks I went sans-list were not even half as productive as the ones with a list. While these small tasks and chores add up, they are still important. They mean you are taking care of your husband, your family, your friends and yourself. Stay motivated.

Go beyond what you know. Forgo the routine from time to time and open your eyes to another part of town, even if it’s just the other side of the street. Because there are people everywhere. People who need love and support and food and friends. You can give those things. Don’t be so motivated to tackle that to-do list that you overlook the needs of others in this city. Love on them. Welcome the “inconvenience” and share your joy with others. Serve in your areas of strength, and even serve in ways that you aren’t immediately comfortable.

With whatever time alone you have, don’t drown out all the quiet with extra noise. Spend some time in prayer, in the word and in reflection. This is the bottom line, not the bottom of the pile. 

I don’t know what life will look like for you—if there are 2 kids or ten, a full-time job or freelance gigs, joy or mourning—whatever it is, don’t get lost in it. Don’t get lost in yourself, your plans or your routine. Look at the bigger picture and keep dreaming big. Invest in others and challenge yourself to do what seems impossible. Love. Love God. Love your husband. Love your kids (if you have ‘em). Love those around you. Love those who aren’t around you. Always love.

Earth Shattering

Samantha Gratton

As I lay on the couch surrounded by tissues and cold remedies, watching yet another documentary on Netflix, I am guessing you are not jealous at all of my “adventures.” Oh yeah, let’s also remember to add the fact that I am currently searching for a job. Living the life.

Okay, so maybe my life isn’t awe-inspiring today. Despite a move without security, some bold decisions and my proximity to the mountains, here I am, struggling to breathe out of my nose. Impressive, huh? Maybe paying the bills and doing dishes is inevitable. So succumb to the mediocrity? No. But don’t be inhibited by it either.

I think sometimes we can let passion and excitement get away from us. We start dreaming of greatness and impact. The vision can seem so clear in our minds. It’s awesome, too. We need that vision, that drive, that passion. But when life throws something more mundane our way, we can get completely thrown off track. For some, that means not ever dealing with the chores and responsibilities of life in order to keep on towards the dream. For others, it amounts to being bogged down so much by the monotony that we lose sight of the dream. Both are terrible pitfalls.

We have to fight through both to achieve anything. And the word is fight. It can’t happen without insane effort and perseverance. I’m also of the belief that it can’t all happen at once and it can’t all happen (more on that later). There’s going to be lulls and there will be peaks. But I truly think that consistency makes all the difference. The continual push, the major and minor decisions. Keep pressing forward.

Brink

Samantha Gratton

We’re on the brink. On the brink of a new year, another shot at growth and change and good. With baggage from the past, both good and bad, we look forward. We run towards what’s ahead.

As I transition from one job to (hopefully soon) another, one state to another, one home to another, one family (nearby) to another, one car to (unfortunately soon) another, one year to another…I can’t help but feel the weight of that brink. Possibilities are open (not endless—I don’t believe in that). Inspiration is rampant. Failure is inevitable. Greatness is plausible.

I am so excited for what is to come. While I don’t yet know what that means, I want to be ready and waiting for it. That way, when the time comes, I am ready to make that leap. 

Can you feel it? The restlessness and wonder and awe of the unknown? Can you believe that the story isn’t over? I just can’t help but feel like I am about to explode with hope for what is to come.

Time Crept

Samantha Gratton

While most are realizing Christmas is days away and there are a million things left to do, it’s not the top of my mind. What I’m coming to terms with is a job complete. My brain tried sorting through it before but eventually settled on pushing it off until later since I was technically still working that job.

Right before Thanksgiving I quit the job I had here in North Carolina. I don’t like to think of myself as a quitter, but maybe I am. Maybe I want to say “stop the monotony” and “don’t settle” to anyone who will listen. Is quitting the answer? Not always. Was it this time? Yes.

Hours after quitting, they asked me to stay on as a contractor until Christmas. This meant that I was basically doing the same job but at an hourly rate and without benefits. It also meant that I had been given some extra time before really considering all that had happened.

I think the full realization will finally hit after Christmas. When everyone else returns to work, and I suddenly find myself without a job or knowledge of what it might be. Maybe then I’ll be able to wrap my head around the whirlwind of the last few months. Arriving in a new state, knowing next to no one and taking a job despite some serious hesitations. Pondering things like purpose, value and worth. Trying to find how and where I’ve gone wrong to wind up in a place of such uncertainty in my “career path.” Because suddenly, I’ve finished my last day—for real this time. I haven’t a clue what’s around the bend. I’ve been here before, all too recently, when we packed up and headed across the country with little to no plan. But this time it almost feels more real. Or maybe I just never spent enough time reflecting on it the first time.

Either way, it’s here now and right up in my face.