The last week has been a blur and despite a nice little summary in yesterday’s Thursday Three, I’m still catching up. Catching up on sleep, catching up on chores, catching up with friends and catching up on life. I said earlier in the week to a friend that I am so ready for this season to be over. This season of job searching and insecurity. This season of questions, doubt and rejection. I wanted it all tied up with a bow and accompanied by a job offer.
But that’s not required. This season is changing, and I can begin again. I don’t have to wait for someone from HR to call and tell me that it’s time for something new. New is here. I am ready for a new season and can begin right now. Maybe I’ll begin a new career with a completely different direction. Or maybe I’ll just begin to truly see the value in my time.
It’s a new day. A fresh vase of flowers. A new ripple in the waves. The first of the month and a time to begin.
This is new. Whatever it is. Let’s begin…
This was written based on a prompt in Five Minute Fridays which simply said: begin.
For the past few weeks I have thought a lot about this post. Something about turning 25 seems to matter and tomorrow that’s just what I’ll do. I don’t often put a lot of stock in birthdays and typically don’t even let people know it’s happening. My husband can probably tell you about times when we have gone to hang out with people or been at a party and I forbade him to tell anyone that it was my birthday. I don’t really know why, but I’ve kept it more or less secret for awhile. This year I opened the flood gates and made my birthday visible to the masses on Facebook.
Years ago, while studying abroad in college I remember missing a surprise party for someone back home. He was turning 25, and it felt monumental to me at the time. The quarter century mark. We had a fair amount in common, and I looked up to him and respected him (still do, although I haven’t seen him in years). It just felt like something was really happening in his life at that turning point, and I don’t really know why I felt that way or what it was.
As I sit here eating cold pizza and writing a blog on the eve of my birthday I’ve never felt more like a millennial. Not only do I typically hide my birthday, but I often avoid revealing my age. I’ve felt older than my real age since kindergarten. Looking younger than I am never helps, but my friends are almost all older. My adulthood seemed to start sooner between being financially independent after high school, graduating college early and getting married young. I hate being belittled for my age. Yet, here I am, embodying the status quo of a millennial. No job but plenty educated, no idea where I’m going in life, chasing happiness and freelancing on the side. Being married in this time of unemployment has kept me from retreating to my mother’s basement, thankfully.
In the weeks leading up to tomorrow I had hoped something would come to me—an understanding of what this milestone birthday meant or some pearl of wisdom to share. Alas, I have little to offer there. This birthday still feels big though, like something has to happen or is happening. I almost expect to wake up in the morning and actually feel different.
I’m no longer a teenager and haven’t been one for more years than I spent in high school. I’ve been driving for over a decade yet still panic whenever I see a police car. I live with the man I married but am constantly amazed by the power of love. I leave clothes on the floor more often than not but never go a day without making the bed. I like my hair long and seldom wear makeup. Drinking has lost its luster, but I know which wines I most prefer. I have a good group of friends and like to think I am one in return. Budgeting has allowed me (us) to be debt-free, but I still fall prey to a $20 dress in Target almost every time I’m there. I go to the grocery store weekly, but almost never cook. My watch is worn almost daily, but I always seem to be running at least five minutes late. I love writing but will put it off for days for no good reason other than my own insecurities. I have learned a few things about myself but don’t always recognize the person in the mirror.
The next stage in life is a total mystery, when up until this point I always had some sort of plan. Something is happening, but I guess I will have to tell you what it is later. Welcome to 25.
Today has been a good day, which makes me want to proclaim that I love Thursdays. You have to agree, they tend to be a better day in the week, statistically speaking. Here are three things that have been happening this week!
1. GOOOOOOOOOOOOAL! I have recently joined the World Cup bandwagon. I’ve always been an Olympics enthusiast (to put it lightly) but hardly even knew when the World Cup occurred. For some reason this year I decided it was time to learn all about it. I spent much of my Monday researching all of the ins and outs of it, so by the time today’s game came around I was pumped. Go USA! Although they did not in fact win, they are advancing to the next round. Crazy, right?
2. We love where we live. I think I’ve mentioned this a time or two before but it seems like I fall in love with it over and over. We love our cute little yellow house that holds parties and people. We love our neighborhood and getting together with all of the great people in it. We love this city that has quickly become our home (and will soon be home to two new awesome people that are friends of ours!) and that we get to walk around downtown on a random night and pop inside the latest new restaurant a day before it opens. We love putting our roots here. Literally. I know our little garden doesn’t look like much but it’s grown a lot here and so have we.
3. The job search is still on. This week has been better though. A bit more hope and a little more general okay-ness about the situation for the time being. I’m also reading 48 Days to Work You Love and am enjoying some of its inspiration and information. I’d encourage anyone else questioning their job situation to pick it up at the library as there’s some good info. Or buy your own copy so you can highlight the heck out of it instead of taking a bunch of iphone pictures to remember it by.
Oh hey…hey there! Yes, hi. See this? That’s the flag. The white flag of defeat and surrender. I’m out. Not really interested in doing this thing anymore. This thing where I don’t know what’s happening in my life and am emotionally a little bit drained.
So, can it be over?
My life’s not the worst. I’m not asking for a pity party. I actually feel bad even admitting to the struggle it has been the past few weeks. I hate the idea of sounding whiny or unhappy. I want to bask in the summer heat and sing songs while jumping for joy. I’ve got so much good in my life it makes me sick just thinking about being down about one part that’s not as great. I know it’s going to all be okay.
Ahem…can we just skip to that part?
I know I sound impatient here. But I also know my spirit is slowing breaking. That sounds all melodramatic right after I claim no need for a pity party. Forgive me. It seems like I’m talking out of both sides of my mouth because I don’t know how to describe how I feel. I love my life. I love my husband and my friends and my house and my family and my city. So how has this state of joblessness managed to squeak its way to the top of my thoughts? Or better yet, how can I get that sadness to go away? If this is where I have to be for right now in my life, then fine. But can we go back to the happy songs and rainbows? Because I think there’s enough good to warrant that. Really. Yet somehow on the inside I feel like I am crumbling.
Naively, I am hoping that by admitting this is hard, harder than I wish to let on, then I can move on and continue being happy for all the good going on. I figured I should start here instead of turning into a puddle of tears without warning. There, I said it, this is hard. I’m okay and life will go on, but in the meantime, I am having a hard time with it. I just am.
It’s been about a month. A month since I walked away from a job that didn’t have anything left for me. A month of questioning myself, doubting my strengths and yet still seeing some good. I’ve traveled more than I had anticipated between a family funeral and a few family trips nearby that I had the time to join in on. I struggle daily between feeling like “this is all going to be okay” and “what have I done to end up here in life?”
I’ve tried to regularly wake up in the morning between 8:00 and 9:00 AM, but the days are a strange blur. I never seem to know what day of the week it is. While this may sound like a rare luxury that I should enjoy (and perhaps in some ways it is), it is unsettling. I am constantly wondering if I am missing something, the same way I would occasionally panic as a kid thinking that I had forgotten a homework assignment, even though school was out for the summer. In some ways it feels like this portion of life, this job searching and soul searching, just began last week. In other ways, it feels like I have been without work for months yet I have nothing to show for it. My time has been soaked up—running errands, cleaning the house and spending time with friends and family. That said, my house is somehow still messy, I have a list of things waiting to be accomplished and I don’t seem to be connecting with people as well or as often as I want to.
I try to understand my thoughts and feelings as I wander through this odd time but try not to dwell in the confusion and frustration. When we first decided to move two years ago, I dreaded this time. A time of loss and uncertainty with no real end date. Two years ago, I expected it to happen then instead, not now. Yes, there was plenty of emotion and fear in moving, but once we got here it all happened so fast. We landed jobs and a place to live within mere weeks. I had planned to spend 3-6 months in a transition time without a job or any indication of my future, but I didn’t get the chance. Now, here I am, hoping and praying for some direction.
With hardly a lead in the job search, I get the feeling this might take some time. I want to stay busy and ignore it. Push through and force something to happen. I don’t particularly feel like assessing myself and the situation. I want to move on and not feel like there’s a topic I’d prefer to avoid when mingling with acquaintances. I’m applying to jobs left and right and networking more than I feel I have the energy to. I want to take hold of any opportunity I have to spend time with people when I previously couldn’t. I want to figure out meaning and purpose, but I don’t want to pretend this is all profound. It’s just something that happened. I had a job and now I don’t. It happens to people everyday.
What do I want my life to be about? Shouldn’t we all be asking that? I have a feeling I’m not the only one who doesn’t have that figured out.
The last week,two weeks, month have been a total blur. I made mention of my job situation in the beginning of May, but it didn’t stop there. About a week later my grandma passed away. A grandma who was dearly loved but had suffered with Parkinson’s disease for far too long. Suddenly I found myself with more time than I could have imagined, enabling me to make a trip back to the Midwest to be with family. As much as I feel like I should sit around wallowing sometimes, I’m grateful that the timing of things worked out the way it did.
What now? Time will tell. With everything going on, I haven’t really had the time to reflect on it all and come up with my plans, goals and dreams for the future. I have, however, been able to spend time with some wonderful people who have been so encouraging and considerate. I am surrounded by so much good, it’s unbelievable. Selfishly, I want to act as though everything in life isn’t fair. When those little waves of panic hit where I realize I have no idea what tomorrow will look like, I want to hide under the covers and cry for a good long time. For fleeting moments I want to shout “woe is me!” or throw a fit at the injustices of the world. But I can’t. I have so much. People have shown incredible love and care for me/us. My life is good. I have such joy.
Sometimes I worry that saying it out loud will cause something else bad to happen just to test me.Sure, I’m tired and stressed and unsure of what my future holds. I haven’t slept much lately and still get sick from time to time. I doubt my abilities and question my dreams. I don’t know where all of this is going, and it completely freaks me out sometimes. Saying I have joy doesn’t mean it has been easy. I want it to all be better, to suddenly come together all tied up with a bow, just because I’m still smiling about it. But I don’t get that guarantee. None of us do.
So, bear with me as I will likely have ups and downs while facing the unknown. Today though, let’s focus on the joy.
There’s been a lot going on lately. Things I haven’t always known how to share. What are you supposed to do, go up to people and say, “hey! me! Life isn’t going the way I want it to right now!” or is there a better way to say it that I am not yet aware of? The longer I go without sharing about it though, the more I feel like I am living a lie.
A little over a week ago, my job came to a sudden halt. Some might say I quit, and some might say I lost my job. It all happened so quickly, it’s hard to say which came first. The business had been struggling, and I found myself without any work to do. There are several more twists and turns to the story, but none worth chasing right now. The bottom line is, I am unemployed and feel a deep sense of loss because of it.
I’ve had a hard time talking about the situation and have tried to figure out why. Clearly, I’ve left a job before, but this time feels so different. Likely, I have avoided it for fear of the response I would receive. Whether an inward or outward response, I don’t want people to think of me as a quitter or a failure. My career path was been far from what I have wanted or expected. This was not my plan nor what I wanted to happen. The questions of “what’s next” or “what do you want” completely overwhelm me. The answer? I don’t know.
No new opportunity or exciting adventure awaits on the other side. This is not a vacation, despite joking about my new-found free time. There was no game of chicken to see how I could get more money out of the deal through severance or unemployment. No, there were deep-rooted issues that hurt everyone involved. The past few months have been incredibly stressful as I’ve sought to respond with integrity and with grace. I’ve wrestled with how to react, questioned where I went wrong and feel so inadequate because of it all. But here I am.
I am grateful for what I have, as this could be a much more dire situation. While this has been trying for me, I realize that everyone has trials of some sort. I’m glad for those who are ready and willing to support me, even when they don’t know how. I’m thankful for a husband who loves me regardless.
I don’t know what is to come. The next few weeks/months are a total mystery to me. It hasn’t been easy to face that reality and even more difficult to sum it all up.
On Saturday nights the hubby goes to bed a little early since he has to be at work so early on Sundays. Tonight I came in maybe a half hour later and went to shut the windows. The noise must have startled him because he quickly reacted (albeit half-asleep) as if to protect us or maybe just in utter confusion as to why his sleep was being interrupted. Without thinking I responded, “It’s me! It’s me!”
It’s me.
Anyone else feel the magnitude of that statement? I didn’t say my job title or salary. I didn’t mention where I lived or what I was from. I didn’t proclaim my goals or dreams. I didn’t list my uncomfortable flaws or doubts. I didn’t even say my name.
Yet for some reason when we meet someone, that’s where we start. When we don’t know the answers to those things or aren’t happy with them, we begin to question who we really are. We put an unacceptable weight on things that don’t actually define us. Take any one of those things away, say my job or my dreams. I’d still be me.
I told him essentially nothing without even realizing. Yet at the same time, I said more than I ever have to someone at a networking event. I can only be me.
I remember the last OLYMPICS when I realized that half of the medalists seemed younger than me. My average, everyday life seemed pretty basic and hardly notable. Today, I can’t say it’s incredibly different.
I’ll never be famous. I won’t be the person you see promoting yogurt or whatever product it is these days along with the other athletes. I won’t be the one jumping off stage into a crowd of fans. If I ever write a book, it won’t be a national bestseller. No one will ever ask for my autograph.
But that’s not what it’s all about. We’re not all supposed to be famous. So we have to ask instead, what? What is the purpose for my life? Because we all have one. You do. I do. It’s true.
I promised a part two to the never ending analogy of the interview process and the dating scene. The hubby said it got a little confusing to read, and he knew who all the key players were. The short of it is that I was interviewing at several places at once but one stole my heart and later broke it. In that state of brokenheartedness, I went on a resume rampage and sent it to more than a few places that looked interesting to me.
One in particular I actually cared about hearing back from, the rest was a bit of a blind email spree. You know what? I only heard back from that one. Within a week they said to stop by for an open house they were having. A few days later they had me in for an interview. The very next day, they offered me the job.
What the what? In some ways it felt so fast. I had been interviewing of course all along but never thought it would happen so soon after meeting them. It took me a few days to sort through it. I had a really difficult time figuring out how best to respond. I wanted so badly to make the right decision, the perfect decision. I took the job.
Yesterday was my first day. Although slow, it was a good day. Got signed up for all the accounts and email, read through some documents and played a few (losing) games of ping pong against the guys. I don’t know yet what all my job will look like. I have a feeling there will be good and bad in it, like all jobs. I have been so scared to be excited or to even tell a bunch of people. It’s not because I’m not excited, I think it has more to do with being scared of the unknown. I don’t want to feel like I failed once again if this isn’t the ultimate best job ever for me. I don’t love that fear. But, fear is always there in some way or another, we just have to figure out how to deal with it. I’m praying that this is good. And if it isn’t, I’m praying for the good that will still come from it. Regardless, I’m going to be excited for all that is good about it, like the fact that they have waffle Fridays and seem to genuinely care about each other. I think that’s the best decision I can make.
