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Spit it Out

Samantha Gratton

Just say it. There are things beneath the surface. There are fears and frustrations that we each need to talk about. Where do they go? How do you say it? When do you say it? Who gets to hear?

The thing is, sometimes we don’t want to talk about those things. Or one of us does and the other one doesn’t. Or watching tv and playing video games is easier and less stressful. We have reasons to go, reasons to stay. Reasons for excitement, reasons for fear. Also, some straight-up logistics. But the logistics become a reminder of the other thoughts and mixed emotions happening and then it becomes a crazy conversation before it even leaves your head.

Right now though we’re trying to determine what needs to be said now, what needs to be addressed later and what we need to let go of completely. Because honestly, you don’t just go and restart your life with a new state, new career path and new life plan without having a few pieces of baggage to deal with (both literally and figuratively). In the past few months we’ve been hurt; we’ve been bored; we’ve been challenged; we’ve been confused; we’ve been excited; we’ve disagreed; we’ve been rejected; we’ve cried; we’ve dreamed; we’ve prayed and we’ve been blessed.

Needless to say, it’s a lot to digest.

Away We Go

Samantha Gratton

If you haven’t yet seen this movie, it might be worth it. Other than a strange start and a few awkward moments, I really enjoyed this movie as it definitely resonated with me. In short, it’s about a couple traveling around the country to find out where they should live. Their reasoning is prompted by an unplanned pregnancy – which is not the case for us. Just the same, for them it was about being open to everything and trying to figure out where they belonged.

Traveling is probably what makes me feel most alive, and we had the privilege of taking a few trips of our own. Since changing jobs last summer we have gotten to see and experience snippets and surrounding areas of Germany, Kansas City, St. Louis, Nashville, Branson, Portland, Minneapolis and now, Chicago.

We’re visiting friends, visiting towns and discovering more about who we are and how we relate to one another. While on the road, you have no choice but to consider your life and where it’s going. On these trips we’ve made some serious decisions, fought, laughed, cried, dreamed and just been there for each other. I wouldn’t trade it.

Click to view trailer.

What’s the Skinny?

Samantha Gratton

I’ve been discovered! Our position has been compromised!

A friend of mine called tonight to tell me she and her husband were moving from one part of the country to another and then added, “You aren’t moving yet, right?”

What?! I was completely thrown off. I mean, she’s among the people who’ve known me and that I want to move for years but in a sense, nothing’s changed. What no one’s supposed to know is that it’s actually happening. I don’t think I fielded that question as well as I would have liked. Shoot.

At this point, it is starting to get tricky though. At home, we’re talking about dates to go. I’m making a pile of items for a garage sale and packing things we will be putting in storage. To the outside world, we’re just doing life and taking a few weekend summer trips. But really, these trips are likely my last chance to see a lot of people, including my grandparents this coming weekend.

We are trying to be sensitive to what’s happening around us. We want to tell our workplaces sooner rather than later so that there’s opportunity to fill our positions. We want to tell our friends, but we also want to just enjoy spending time with them. I might be blogging (secretly), but we’ve told very few people. Those people either live out-of-state or we’re related to them. And part of it is that we don’t want to start saying things until we know what the heck the plan is. Right now we still have applications out in several parts of the country. So we wouldn’t want to say we’re moving to this state, when in reality we’re going the complete opposite direction. We’re getting really close to a plan. That plan being, move and figure it out. But even with that, we want to be cautious about it (in a healthy manner) and don’t want to let the cat out of the bag before we have to.

In that same breath, it makes me feel uncomfortable knowing I interact with people that have no idea. It’s a big part of our daily life right now, yet we’re trying to keep it under wraps. What kind of friend does that make me? I’m trying to drop subtle hints so no one is blind-sighted. I suppose though in some ways, that goes back to my fear of the perceptions of others. But this one is a bit more personal. I want my friends to know I care about them and therefore want to let them in on my life. So, friends, sorry in advance that the timing might be off when I do get around to telling you. We’re just trying to do what seems best for the time being.

Without a Job

Samantha Gratton

After a good long walk and talk with my mom, I think I’ve come to realize a few things. To start, I am less nervous than I was when writing my previous post. That’s a success. As we talked I realized how much I know and feel strongly that it is time for us to move. We love so many things about life here and the people in it, but it’s clear that we need a change. We’re ready and restless. I think I have found peace in that truth.

What I was wrestling with was that I don’t always feel like our next destination is where we’re called. I feel lead to leave, but I don’t yet feel called in a certain place. There are plenty of logical reasons why I think we are making a decent decision, but I’ve been praying for a clear directive that this is where we are supposed to go. But at the same time, I have a feeling that might be my leap of faith. I’ve been clinging to, “If we only had a job.”

Digging further though, I don’t know if that’s the answer. Yes, having a job beforehand would alleviate some of my fears. But when you get down to it, I think I want something better to tell people than, “We’re just moving.”  It seems the root problem is actually being concerned with the perceptions and thoughts of others when we break the news. I’m a practical person, and I’d like to think we both have good heads on our shoulders. What I’m coming to understand are my two biggest fears in this adventure – 1. Failure. 2. Perception of Failure.

Right now, that second fear is holding me back before I’ve even reached it. That is what I’m going to have to let go as we continue to pursue this. Plus, I have a feeling those fears are not unique to this situation.

Are we nuts?

Samantha Gratton

Okay, this is becoming real. Too real. We’ve talked about moving for months, years. We’ve looked for jobs, even had a few interviews – nothing that’s officially come through. Finding a job halfway across the country isn’t easy. We aren’t CEOs or executives. The type of work we’ll be doing could probably be done by dozens (ahem, hundreds?) of other people. From a practical standpoint, there’s not a whole lot of reason for a company to bother with us and all of the hassle of phone interviews, different time zones, relocation, etc. So the logical thing is to just move, right? To eliminate that hassle for these future employers of ours? Gosh, I hope so.

It’s hard to focus on much else around here. The hubby admitted to starting to distance himself from life here while I’m trying to do/see/visit everything “one last time” before we go. But if we don’t cling to these coping mechanisms, then we have more time to consider exactly what we’re about to do. We have a decent life here. Are we really going to give that all up? Really? What. The. Heck.

Somebody, talk me into it! Quick!

Gulp.

Samantha Gratton

An hour ago we told our landlord we’re moving. We haven’t even fully told our parents, but I guess he’s the only one who requires 60 days notice. I was definitely antsy as we scurried around cleaning the house before he came over. I told the hubby this was like buying the engagement ring – we aren’t married to moving until we’ve left, but we definitely just upped our level of commitment. Eek! This. Is. HAPPENING.

Ready or Not…

Samantha Gratton

I’ve wanted to move for a very long time. So long, in fact, that I’m not sure I’ll be as good at it as I would have been then. I love the stress of it all. Yes, the stress. There’s so much to do. A small window of time. The details. The to-do lists. It all sounds so romantic right now, but maybe that’s just because it’s been awhile. Or maybe it’s been far too long since I’ve needed more than a mini-van and a dedicated day and a half to get it done.

This will be our first move. Together. As a married couple. And you know what? No one really knows about it yet. We’re putting together the details now. It’s in a small window of time. There’s a lot to do and darling, there’s plenty of stress.

Not only are we moving, but we’re dropping a lot to do it. It’s not just about the move. We feel we’re about to embark on a new way of life. It’s exhilarating and terrifying all in one breath. We’re not even entirely sure what is yet to come.