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Traveling with Candor

Samantha Gratton

To sum up what traveling means to me is near impossible. It’s inspiring and wonderful and challenging and ridiculous and special and ordinary and vital all in one breath. Every time I go somewhere it makes me feel that much more alive. While it’s thrilling and sometimes adventurous, it also brings a negative side that’s just as much of a reminder of being alive.

The month I spent in China in college was the first traveling experience I remember that brought me to tears. I loved so many parts of my trip but the other half of the time I felt such a bitter loneliness and deep void that I couldn’t escape. Everything that was wrong with society and myself and my future was staring me in the face. I was trapped under this burden of angst and misery amongst the beauties and excitement of China. While I can’t even remember all that I was struggling with at the time, it shaped me. It certainly wasn’t the first thing I mentioned about my trip, if it was mentioned at all, but it was just as valuable of an experience.

The past few days we had the pleasure of spending time visiting with relatives and ringing in the new year in Music City. While it was wonderful to see everyone and experience our first snowfall this winter, it brought on some moments of pain. Facing insecurities and an unknown future isn’t exactly the kind of conversation you toss in between karaoke numbers. This wasn’t the trip that left us inspired by every opportunity or eager for more. It had touches of anxiety and longing instead. Not exactly the trip we planned, but perhaps the trip we needed. 

When you find a routine, you can sometimes shelf those fears and failures while you go on with regular daily life. You forget the past if you can and ignore the impending future. But as soon as you leave that routine and surrender yourself to a wide open sky and a long car ride through the mountains, there’s no telling what your inner thoughts will unravel and unveil.

While at times arduous and other times jovial, I was grateful for the time of travel. It forced growth and contemplation, insight and creativity—and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Travel brings out all the elements, whether you’re ready or not. 

Brink

Samantha Gratton

We’re on the brink. On the brink of a new year, another shot at growth and change and good. With baggage from the past, both good and bad, we look forward. We run towards what’s ahead.

As I transition from one job to (hopefully soon) another, one state to another, one home to another, one family (nearby) to another, one car to (unfortunately soon) another, one year to another…I can’t help but feel the weight of that brink. Possibilities are open (not endless—I don’t believe in that). Inspiration is rampant. Failure is inevitable. Greatness is plausible.

I am so excited for what is to come. While I don’t yet know what that means, I want to be ready and waiting for it. That way, when the time comes, I am ready to make that leap. 

Can you feel it? The restlessness and wonder and awe of the unknown? Can you believe that the story isn’t over? I just can’t help but feel like I am about to explode with hope for what is to come.

Time Crept

Samantha Gratton

While most are realizing Christmas is days away and there are a million things left to do, it’s not the top of my mind. What I’m coming to terms with is a job complete. My brain tried sorting through it before but eventually settled on pushing it off until later since I was technically still working that job.

Right before Thanksgiving I quit the job I had here in North Carolina. I don’t like to think of myself as a quitter, but maybe I am. Maybe I want to say “stop the monotony” and “don’t settle” to anyone who will listen. Is quitting the answer? Not always. Was it this time? Yes.

Hours after quitting, they asked me to stay on as a contractor until Christmas. This meant that I was basically doing the same job but at an hourly rate and without benefits. It also meant that I had been given some extra time before really considering all that had happened.

I think the full realization will finally hit after Christmas. When everyone else returns to work, and I suddenly find myself without a job or knowledge of what it might be. Maybe then I’ll be able to wrap my head around the whirlwind of the last few months. Arriving in a new state, knowing next to no one and taking a job despite some serious hesitations. Pondering things like purpose, value and worth. Trying to find how and where I’ve gone wrong to wind up in a place of such uncertainty in my “career path.” Because suddenly, I’ve finished my last day—for real this time. I haven’t a clue what’s around the bend. I’ve been here before, all too recently, when we packed up and headed across the country with little to no plan. But this time it almost feels more real. Or maybe I just never spent enough time reflecting on it the first time.

Either way, it’s here now and right up in my face.

Regrets and Regards

Samantha Gratton

People say they have no regrets in life. I don’t know that I have any major regrets, but sometimes my longing for things to be good and right means I can become preoccupied with “what ifs” and “why nots”. What if I had turned down that job? Why didn’t I say it that way? What if I had her as a bridesmaid in my wedding? Why didn’t I buy a second pair of my favorite shoes when I had the chance? I can get so hung up on these details. I want to get the most out of life, the best deal and the optimal experience. Which is why when we last went to the movie theater, five minutes in I insisted we switch theaters because we chose the wrong movie of the two options. 

It’s often the first thing I think of—how could this have been better? Why didn’t I do this? Now that I know better…ah, geeze. In a time of such crazy transition and life change it’s hard not to wonder where my life is going and how I can set it on the best path. With my recent job search I’ve applied to, and even interviewed for, jobs that would suit me yet have me heading in an entirely different direction. It’s enough to really make my head spin.

But what I try (and fail) to do is to consider what happened instead. I took that job and learned a lot about myself and made some new friendships. I said it the way I said it and found out who stood behind me. She wasn’t a bridesmaid, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be one of my favorite people to talk to. I’ve found a new favorite pair of shoes since the old ones were in such a shambles. It’s because of these situations that I’ve had some great experiences or just some interesting stories. It pushes me and challenges me. I can’t change that decision that happened years ago or take back what I said. All I can do now is live with it and hopefully make a better/different decision when the opportunity next arises. The perfectionist in me continues to grapple with this, but hopefully admitting to this struggle will help me stop over-analyzing the past.

So this is Christmas…

Samantha Gratton

This Christmas will be undoubtedly different. It will be the first that either of us will not see our parents within the two-week timeframe of the holiday. It will be the first time in our married life the hubby will not be working tirelessly in the days and weeks leading up to (and day of) Christmas. It will be the first year in our new state with far less Christmas parties to attend and perhaps less need for winter clothing.

All of this I knew about and have been mentally preparing myself for during the past few months. You want to know the kicker? We’re likely going to forgo the Christmas tree. This one caught me off-guard, and I can’t say I was totally on board with it. Logistically, there are a few reasons such as…we sold our fake tree before moving and the cost and maintenance of buying a real or artificial tree isn’t worth it this year. But still. Those issues could be overcome if we really wanted to, right? The more I wrestle with it, the more I realize it must be this way.

We have so many things. Things still in boxes; things we’ve finally purged. While it can be nice to take comfort in these things, we certainly don’t need them all. We have a tub of decorations and a recent round of dollar store Christmas decor for our Christmas cards. Have no fear, there will still be evidence of “Christmas” in our home. We aren’t planning on becoming little Scrooges and dumping cynicism on everyone’s Christmas spirit. We’ll have a tree again in our lives. We aren’t anti-Christmas or even anti-Christmas trees.

When I dig deep—it seems that for me, the tree has been one of the primary factors of Christmas. And why? There’s nothing wrong with having a tree. It probably has all sorts of symbolism and tradition and good things surrounding it, not to mention, it’s pretty. Somehow along the way it became an expectation and a crutch for me. The tree does not equal Christmas. Neither do stockings or seeing Santa at the mall or eating too many cookies or exchanging gifts. It’s not the music or the lights or the Nutcracker. And I seriously love (almost) all of those things! But like any good thing, if I can’t go without it, then I’m valuing it more than the one thing. The one thing that Christmas is truly about.

Thanksgiving Sundries

Samantha Gratton

Thanksgiving is often a great time of gratitude and spending time with family. It can be a time of reflection. For me, it’s also an opportunity to think back to past thanksgivings to see where we’ve been and remember all the sweet memories we’ve been blessed with. Here’s a glimpse at the past five years of celebrating thanksgiving –

2007:The now hubby became the “Let’s be ‘it’s complicated’ on Facebook” boyfriend after a Walmart feast of chicken fettuccine and pumpkin pie with friends. In some ways, it was when our relationship really began.

2008: Following Thanksgiving with my family we agreed to a sleepless night of cheering on mall shoppers and handing out coffee as temporary employees of Rockin’ Shoppin’ Eve. Young and poor, we were thrilled to walk away with $175 at the end of the night but the ridiculous time spent together is what made it all worthwhile.

2009: I ate Shepherd’s pie and spent the weekend in Ireland with a close friend while on break from studying abroad in Greece.

2010: Our first married Thanksgiving started out a little rocky as we dealt with work stress but ended up being a great time in Dubuque with family and friends. We even had the chance to be tourists for the day in Galena and bought the earrings I am wearing today.

2011: In an unexpected turn of events, our family all seemed to make out of town plans that we couldn’t join in on, so we were adopted in for Thanksgiving with dear family friends. Later, we joined the crowd and good friends from out-of-town for some early morning shopping.

These remind me how blessed we are. The good friends we have. The opportunities we’ve had. The family and adopted families who love us. The start and continuation of our relationship. This year is a notably different Thanksgiving, as its spent in a new state, but still another reminder of the many provisions and blessings we’ve been given.

In Time

Samantha Gratton

There’s a timeline that’s beyond me. It might not be linear or even understandable, but it’s happening. In the times of confusion and frustration, I find it easy to be impatient for what’s to come. But it always seems to happen in due time. Not my time. His time. I know it to be true. This peace can only come from a creator that has it all under control.

It’s how I know this whole mess of a job situation is going to get figured out when it’s supposed to. The job that’s next for me will be here before I know it, and the timing will be right, whatever that may mean. Sometimes I can forget the blessings I’ve been given. I freak out and worry, when only days beforehand I explained all of His mercies we’ve received with this move. Reading Exodus in the Old Testament, it always seemed so silly to me that the Israelites could so quickly forget their deliverance out of Egypt and the Lord’s continued provisions for them. But let’s face it, I do that more than I realize. Thankfully, we serve a loving and persistent God.

“Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today…” Exodus 14:13 

A Little Bit

Samantha Gratton

I’m confused. I’m freaked out. I’m conflicted. I’m stressed. I’m relieved. I’m excited. I’m hopeful. I’m defeated. I’m speechless. I’m overwhelmed. I’m terrified. I’m brave. I’m exhausted.

These are just a few of the current states I bounce back and forth between. The adventure has certainly not ended yet, and I’m starting to get the feeling that it never truly will. Recently, I took another little leap into the unknown. There’s some crazy to it with some good reason mixed in, too. The bottom line is – what do you want your life to be about?

For me, it’s not work, and work alone. While there’s more to discuss on this stance, for now, I’ll fill you in a little on the latest. That job that I got? I decided to leave it. The root cause? Work/life balance is a vital part of life for me, and it wasn’t happening there.

I have so many views on this whole ordeal as it wasn’t the easiest decision I’ve ever made, although it does seem like the right one. In some ways, I’ve never felt more empowered to actually stick up for myself and what mattered more. In other ways, I feel like an utter failure for not being tough enough to stick it out as I know there are certainly worse jobs in the world. For this tiny portion of time it feels like I have taken my good, stable life and traded it out for a melting ice cream cone. And then knocked the top scoop to the cement.

There’s a lot to figure out from here, and it’s all feeling rather tumultuous right now. Because not only did I quit, but they then asked me to stick around a while longer to work as a contractor. Where my life is going right now, I have no idea. Please see paragraph 1 for more details.

Dreams from the Past

Samantha Gratton

Going through old emails yesterday, I ran across one written to a friend a little over two years ago telling her my hopes and dreams. At the time I think I wrote it mostly on a whim about the things that first came to mind. When I realized then how accurate it was, I forwarded it to the hubby and apparently sent it to myself as a reminder. Now, many of those still ring true. I can’t say that we’ll do all of these things, but it seems to fall in line with what I mentioned as heart stirs a few months ago. It reminds me how important it is to dream and inspires me to keep striving for these.

Live in another country for a year, visit South America, move out of the Midwest, be a good mom (LATER), be a great wife, visit the gum wall… among traveling the country and hitting up a few other places (list of places to visit/revisit in the next five years: Seattle, Boston, D.C.,… that’s all I can think of right now), run a successful freelance studio, play a show at a coffee shop (playing my songs), see the hubby finally pull his own band together, be foster parents, work at a non-profit I believe in and give God my whole heart.

(p.s. We leave for D.C. today…didn’t even realize I had put it on the list a few years ago)

Count it

Samantha Gratton

Let’s take a little inventory on life right now. Because frankly, sometimes all at once I am wrapped up in the complete absurdity of it all. This is a small snapshot of what I realize:

  • Three months ago today was our last day at work at our old jobs.
  • Three days later, we packed all of our things and drove halfway across the country.
  • Three weeks later (exactly three weeks from the day we moved), we moved again to our new home with job offers.
  • Three times our car has been towed for repairs.
  • Three different couples have hung out with us so far.
  • We’ve visited eight different churches (I couldn’t keep the three thing going any more).
  • The hubby’s gained seven pounds (finally).
  • The number of nights I’ve worked past eight is far too high.
  • Five skype tours have been given of our new digs.
  • I’ve gotten sick four times.
  • Nine craigslist deals have been made in North Carolina.
  • 95 blog posts about this move/adventure have been written to date.

A lot has happened in a very short time. It all went so fast. Before taking it all on I would have guessed we’d still be in someone else’s basement at this point. Now I’m wondering how we got here so quickly. As I sit on a newly acquired craigslist couch and look around my apartment I still can’t totally grasp that this is it. Is the adventure part done now that we’ve moved, found jobs and maybe even found a church? I don’t think so. But I can’t say it’s been the adventure I thought it would be.

I don’t feel I am articulating all of my thoughts very well right now, but in essence, this all happened before I realized. We slid into our new lives, it seemed, before I knew what was happening. Some of that has been great and some of it might need to be rearranged. Time will tell what stays and what goes in this new life of ours.