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Go Big or Go Home

Samantha Gratton

Okay, sure. You’re motivating me to really go for it, right? Win that big game, challenge the cowardice. Reach beyond the minimum and shoot for the stars. Go big or go home.

You’ll hear me saying, “let’s do (this)…just to say we did!” as if someone is keeping track of the number of adventures I’ve had in my life. I love pushing for that extra experience. Love traveling. Love a decent challenge or brainstorm for an even better idea. I mean, we did just move halfway across the country without a whole lot pulling us here. I’d like to think that means we aren’t the safest players out there; we take risks. We’re living life.

That said, can I just pick “go home”, given the two choices?

Because what if killing yourself for a project isn’t worth it? What if being “successful” by certain standards means never seeing that house or family you’re supporting? Or losing hours of sleep each night to a point of poor health? What if “going big” amounts to a lonely personal life? What if the words have stopped flowing easily because you decided to go big instead of go home and your brain is no longer able to think creatively?

I don’t want to live a life of mediocrity, I assure you. But something is off in our society when people aren’t taking vacation time, lunch breaks or getting a good night’s sleep. We need rest and rejuvenation in our lives. It’s the only way we’ll ever really be able to take on something more. Go big or—really win this one and—GO HOME.

Love What You Do

Samantha Gratton

I thoroughly enjoy blogging. This predilection takes me out of my head sometimes and just allows the thoughts to fall out. I like the idea that people then read it and maybe come to similar conclusions as I did or feel inspired and excited by whatever it is I just wrote. There’s a certain thrill and excitement that comes when an idea first sparks, and I know I’ll be able to chase it down and discover where it leads. It is something that makes me feel truly alive, and it motivates me to do things I never would have imagined.

The hubby finds a similar joy with music. He writes and plays and records all sorts of ideas. Some days I’ll come home and find him so immersed in his music that I’ll walk in, make dinner and settle in, and he won’t even know I’m home. Or that he’s hungry. It’s the type of thrill and excitement that comes from doing what you love. Something inside of you comes alive that can’t be explained or duplicated elsewhere.

Often people will say, “Do what you love.” There’s definitely some truth to that, but I don’t think it should be the ultimate career goal. I believe your job should incorporate or have some overlap with what you love, but to keep some of your work separate from what you love doing. For instance, if I took my love of blogging and made it my job, it would be a completely different blog. First of all, I’d need to have ads, something I can’t promise won’t ever happen, but not something I’m interested in doing right now. This blog is a safe space for me to say what I think and comment on what’s happening, not a place for me to plug random products I receive in the mail. (Bloggers of the world: If you do this, it’s okay! Just not something I’m ready for.) Past that, in order for me to make this blog my job, I’d need to do a whole lot more self-promo. And probably upgrade from a tumblr and hire a web designer to make me look legit. I’d also need to blog consistently and regularly. This is not a bad thing, but I do think it would take out the spontaneity and raw perspective that this holds now. Instead of being naturally prolific, there would be a certain pressure to write something good every time and something that my readers want to read.

Now, if all I want to do is blog what I think but suddenly I’m doing all of that too, is it still something I love? I can’t say I know for sure, but I’ve had blogs in the past that were more closely followed, and they fizzled out. I wasn’t able to be as true to who I was. It became a blog for somebody else and not for me. I think the same concept can be applied for many people and what they love, whether it’s art or music or crafts or cooking or sports or something else completely. When your creative outlet becomes what you depend on for groceries/rent, it changes. It’s not all bad, but still very different. For me, in lieu of “do what you love” I’ve decided to “love what I do.” By that I mean, I am going to enjoy this act of blogging for what it is, how it is. I love it enough as it is that it isn’t worth it to change it right now into something I don’t love as much. I’ll do other things that I’m good at and enjoy in my career but keep what I love separate so I can continue to love it.

Keep it Classy

Samantha Gratton

I am about to seem like one big oxymoron, but we got iphones. What?

What happened to saving? What happened to simplicity? What happened to less time on Facebook? What happened to a life focused on people and love?

I know.

There are reasons like, our cell phone provider essentially asked us to leave since we were constantly “roaming” in our new state. There’s the employee discount at AT&T with my job. There’s the free iphone 4, so they can clean house on those things and get us hooked before we know what hit us. Hey, don’t think I didn’t go kicking and screaming into this new life of smartphones.

So we have these things. No more calling my mom to ask her to google directions for me when I get lost. Maybe I’ll have more photos on the blog or be more socially aware with all these new apps. Trying to focus on the positives here.

There are so many potential negatives though. Smartphones have their benefits, but I don’t want to give my life over to them. I don’t want to be on-call 24/7. I don’t want to rely on the thing to solve all my problems and provide for all of my needs. I don’t want to sit in a room with people/friends and barely see their faces behind my screen. Later in life, I don’t want to be that mom that’s so busy with her phone that she can’t find time to spend with her kids. I don’t want you to be able to track me down and know my exact location. I don’t want to see your never-ending updates either. I don’t want to have my phone within sight at all times “just in case.” Just in case what? Someone likes my status on facebook or posts a new photo on instagram? No, not okay. 

Simply put, I’m determining some rules for my phone use. I don’t want this getting out of hand, and I know how easy it can be. So far, here’s where I’m at:

  • No phones at the dinner table (not even just resting there)
  • No connecting it to Facebook for instant updates
  • Likewise, no automatic connection to work email – logging in separately only as needed
  • No phones after 10:30 pm – this was a rule we first had right after we got married and I think it needs to be reinstated
  • Call it like it is – if one of us is spending too much time on the dang thing, say so

Autonomous

Samantha Gratton

With this move, we’ve had less people to lean on in certain regards, making it so much more apparent when we do ask for help. It’s embarrassing and awkward to reach out and say, “I barely know you, but I need you!”

But something I’ve realized is that in those moments, awkward and uncomfortable as they may be, we bond with people. We reach beyond our comfort level and into a level of trust, whether we want to or not. That’s where relationships are formed. That’s the same moment that we realize we can’t do it on our own.

Do I wish I could just go through my day without asking for help? YES! I want to be able to do it all and do it all now. I hate the feeling of discomfort and disadvantage as I ask yet again for help from a stranger. But how would I ever meet people or make friends or grow or learn?

I think it works that way with God sometimes, too. We need him all the time, but when we can’t do it on our own, it becomes incredibly more apparent that we are mere human beings. We can’t control our lives as much as we (I) want to. We can’t do it on our own. Because if we could, it’d be incredibly lonely and unfulfilling. The days we can get to work without a ride or find a restaurant without advice doesn’t connect us with the people around us. It’s incredibly important to our relationships to need people and to be needed. So when we say to God that “we don’t need him”, that’s not really a great way to build a relationship. (Also, it’s not true, but that’s a whole ‘nother thing). When we go about living our lives though without turning to him, trusting in him, asking for him and relying on him—isn’t that what we’re saying though? That we don’t need him?

For whatever reason, we think we want to be independent and autonomous, both with people and with God. It’s as if admitting that we aren’t able to do it all without help would mean we were weak. Or that needing some help makes us inadequate or unintelligent. But that simply isn’t true. Sure, sometimes it’s humbling and even awkward to ask for help, but living life without it is a far worse scenario. Life without people in it is void. Life without friends is lonely and overwhelming. Life without a God who loves you is lacking. It doesn’t make you stronger; it’s empty when it doesn’t have to be.

The Really Real

Samantha Gratton

Here’s a little bit of the real. The real, the truth, is changing…always. All of the things I’ve said to this point remain and are as true as could be when they were first said. At the same time, there are days that I don’t even know what to think.

This isn’t a vacation. The weather has already proved to be so much better, the scenery is a change of pace and we get to discover new things everyday. What a dream, right? Well yes, but dreams don’t last. 

It’s good and it’s different and we’re doing alright. But we still have hard decisions, we don’t really have friends and we don’t always know where our life is going. We miss our loved ones. We have ridiculous car troubles (yes, another instance occurred last week, too insane to talk about). We get sick. We lose sleep. We wonder what is to come.

Despite all of the good, I’ve been a mess of tears the past few days. It was sad and simple and even a bit of a relief. I didn’t and don’t regret moving or the decisions we’ve made. Through the tears I just kept saying, “I don’t want to be here today.” A lot of things went into that feeling, nothing major but nothing completely petty. I miss my mom. I miss feeling completely comfortable and confident at work. I miss seeing a familiar face at church. I miss the uniquely Iowa things you just can’t get anywhere else (we went to the fair this weekend and almost immediately decided our next Iowa visit would have to be in August so we could go to a real state fair).

This is all part of the deal. We knew that going into this move. Up until now, while we’ve been stressed, we’ve pushed through because we knew everything was ultimately alright. And it still is. But some of this hard part was oozing out and needed to be acknowledged with a few sniffles (or sobs). It’s still good. It’s still hard. It’s how we know we’re alive. And that in itself is something to be thankful for.

Busy-ness

Samantha Gratton

Lately I’ve been thinking about what it means to be busy. Or rather too busy. What causes it? We all have things in our life that need tending to. Bills to pay, dishes to clean, clothes to wash. It’s how it goes. At work you’ll inevitably have a list of things that fall under your responsibilities. Being busy is even good. It motivates us and drives us to do things we might not have considered before. But back to being too busy. Why?

It seems to be praised in our society. Being busy means you must be successful. You must have a lot of things going for you. Okay, but let’s dig deeper. Where does that come from? Why would someone load on a bunch of stuff to the point where all they can do is run around exclaiming that they are too busy? There could definitely be a lot of factors: greed, need, boredom, avoidance, etc. It could even be that someone who has leadership above you is susceptible to these things, passing the busy schedule your way. It’s entirely possible that “your busy” is not even your busy at all. My theory – someone is too important. It could maybe even be called self-importance.

Don’t get me wrong, I like to pack my schedule. It excites me to have people to see and places to go. I think that busy is okay. But I’m starting to think that too busy is not okay. Too busy says “my busy is worth more than your busy”. My this is more important than your that. Meaning, I don’t have time for you because this is more important. And maybe sometimes it is more important, but often, it probably isn’t. I don’t mean to point any fingers because I certainly can fall to into this trap. Watching it though in different aspects of life, I don’t like the message it sends. Instead, I want to be the person that’s approachable. Present. Interested. Eager to help. Available.

If I’m always too busy, I can’t ever be those things. Then what am I really accomplishing?

Gettin’ Real Educated

Samantha Gratton

In the stack of library books I took home tonight was a GRE prep book. Wait, what? I must admit, pursuing a master’s degree has been a fleeting thought before, but not one that has ever progressed this far. I can’t say what it means or speak to the implications of what may follow. Maybe I’ll never look at a single page. Maybe I’ll ace the test. I’m sure that I can’t do both of those…”one or none of the above” would be the correct answer here. We’ll see. Tonight is not the night, I’ve got a date with the hubby, a movie and some Trader Joe’s, so it’ll sit in my library bag for now. At the very least, I should probably find out what GRE stands for before going much further…because I have a feeling “Gettin’ Real Educated” is not its hidden meaning.

Face It

Samantha Gratton

I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook.

Now that I am at least a thousand miles away from most of the people I know, it seems like a great way to keep in touch. I love the connection it helps me to feel and the easily organized way to categorize photos and “share” them with those I love. But you want to know what I hate? I check it daily. Sometimes I’m on it as soon as I wake up and right before I go to bed. It has me in shackles, armed with all of my personal information to boot. 

Due to a variety of reasons, I toy with the idea of giving it up or at least going on a long hiatus. I haven’t been able to take on such drastic measures yet. Instead, I have periodically been deleting old acquaintances and removing more personal data. The messages with friends and collection of photos keep me there. In chains. Wasting my time.

Regardless of how I decide to proceed, I’d like to think that by the time my hypothetical-and-distant-future-children are around, I won’t be showing them my Facebook page as a way to reflect on the past. “Look! This is when your daddy first commented on my wall!” Not happening. I do however want to preserve some of the memories that are currently only housed (sadly) on Facebook.

Therefore, I would like to make the following pledge:

I, Samantha, vow to be better about photos. Better about taking them, but more importantly, better about organizing them. This means, printing them, framing them and/or placing them in photo albums. Not the kind online, but real-live-turn-the-pages photo albums. 

To start, I will print and frame some wedding photos to adorn our wall. We’ve passed the two-year mark, and I have yet to print a single picture from our lovely and symbolic day.

Following this task, I will sort and print out study abroad photos. China, Greece and a whole lot of Europe are fading fast in my little brain and I’d like to remember my days of adventuresome gallivanting. Finally, I would like to catalog year one and year two of our marriage.

Not only will this provide me with a different pastime than Facebook, but I’ll have something to show for it when it’s over. Literally.