pain

At the Table

Samantha Gratton

A table can represent many things. Meals, bills, homework, art projects and board games all have a place here. There’s a lot of community that can happen around a table. When meals are shared, conversation often ensues. It’s a wondrous thing.

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This is our table. I’m sure you thought I’d never actually get around to showing the inside of our home but here’s a glimpse, kitchen and all.

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Food can sometimes make me feel like an outsider sadly. I’ve gone through bouts of serious sickness in the past and have mourned the loss of several food types. It’s easier than it was at first, but sometimes it’s still hard to keep going. While I haven’t been sick as often or intensely, I have to keep with it. Crazy food restrictions are still there. Sometimes I want to throw all caution to the wind and occasionally, I have. It ends in mixed results ranging from seemingly no change to an onslaught of sick.

At first, our meals with others seem to revolve around what I can and cannot eat. It’s a good story but by the end of the night it can be pretty exhausting to relive it all again and go through all the ins and outs of it. When just about every meal you share with someone involves you talking about all of the things you can’t eat, it can get overwhelming.

So, while I’d love to paint this beautiful picture of all the table can mean in community, it’s not the whole truth. It IS a wonderful setting for community and many meaningful things have happened there, but it’s also a hard and painful place for me. Food has caused so much stress and frustration, both as a result of eating it and of avoiding it. It can make me feel so disconnected from people, whether it’s because my meal will inevitably be different or maybe even because I have to physically leave in order to find something else to eat since nothing on the table will work. Yet at the same time, people have rallied around us and have been so kind and thoughtful as we’ve fought to figure this all out. There’s really been so much love and for that I am so grateful.

In the end, the table is a complicated place. Community and relationships are equally complicated. People have shortcomings and insecurities that cannot be as easily hidden in real relationships. Ultimately, it’s worth it to share in community and come to the table.

Traveling with Candor

Samantha Gratton

To sum up what traveling means to me is near impossible. It’s inspiring and wonderful and challenging and ridiculous and special and ordinary and vital all in one breath. Every time I go somewhere it makes me feel that much more alive. While it’s thrilling and sometimes adventurous, it also brings a negative side that’s just as much of a reminder of being alive.

The month I spent in China in college was the first traveling experience I remember that brought me to tears. I loved so many parts of my trip but the other half of the time I felt such a bitter loneliness and deep void that I couldn’t escape. Everything that was wrong with society and myself and my future was staring me in the face. I was trapped under this burden of angst and misery amongst the beauties and excitement of China. While I can’t even remember all that I was struggling with at the time, it shaped me. It certainly wasn’t the first thing I mentioned about my trip, if it was mentioned at all, but it was just as valuable of an experience.

The past few days we had the pleasure of spending time visiting with relatives and ringing in the new year in Music City. While it was wonderful to see everyone and experience our first snowfall this winter, it brought on some moments of pain. Facing insecurities and an unknown future isn’t exactly the kind of conversation you toss in between karaoke numbers. This wasn’t the trip that left us inspired by every opportunity or eager for more. It had touches of anxiety and longing instead. Not exactly the trip we planned, but perhaps the trip we needed. 

When you find a routine, you can sometimes shelf those fears and failures while you go on with regular daily life. You forget the past if you can and ignore the impending future. But as soon as you leave that routine and surrender yourself to a wide open sky and a long car ride through the mountains, there’s no telling what your inner thoughts will unravel and unveil.

While at times arduous and other times jovial, I was grateful for the time of travel. It forced growth and contemplation, insight and creativity—and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Travel brings out all the elements, whether you’re ready or not.