The last week, two weeks, month have been a total blur. I made mention of my job situation in the beginning of May, but it didn’t stop there. About a week later my grandma passed away. A grandma who was dearly loved but had suffered with Parkinson’s disease for far too long. Suddenly I found myself with more time than I could have imagined, enabling me to make a trip back to the Midwest to be with family. As much as I feel like I should sit around wallowing sometimes, I’m grateful that the timing of things worked out the way it did.
What now? Time will tell. With everything going on, I haven’t really had the time to reflect on it all and come up with my plans, goals and dreams for the future. I have, however, been able to spend time with some wonderful people who have been so encouraging and considerate. I am surrounded by so much good, it’s unbelievable. Selfishly, I want to act as though everything in life isn’t fair. When those little waves of panic hit where I realize I have no idea what tomorrow will look like, I want to hide under the covers and cry for a good long time. For fleeting moments I want to shout “woe is me!” or throw a fit at the injustices of the world. But I can’t. I have so much. People have shown incredible love and care for me/us. My life is good. I have such joy.
Sometimes I worry that saying it out loud will cause something else bad to happen just to test me.Sure, I’m tired and stressed and unsure of what my future holds. I haven’t slept much lately and still get sick from time to time. I doubt my abilities and question my dreams. I don’t know where all of this is going, and it completely freaks me out sometimes. Saying I have joy doesn’t mean it has been easy. I want it to all be better, to suddenly come together all tied up with a bow, just because I’m still smiling about it. But I don’t get that guarantee. None of us do.
So, bear with me as I will likely have ups and downs while facing the unknown. Today though, let’s focus on the joy.
