thoughts

It’s the New Year

Samantha Gratton

As the snow falls and we greet the beginning of 2014, I’m trying to put my finger on just what to think. There’s something about the new year. A fresh, clean slate. It’s appealing and exciting. You stop to think about what you want to do and who you want to become. A whole bunch of dreams and goals are stuffed onto a list and even accomplishing half of them would be quite the feat. It can also be a time to reflect on the past and what has brought you to where you are now. It might be good or it might be plain rotten. Some of that impacts how you want your clean slate to look. 

Everyone around me already seems to know just what the year should look like, and I feel like I’ve barely finished celebrating Christmas. It’ll take me at least another week to consider all my reflections and resolutions, but it will be time well spent. I can’t help but wonder if we place too much stock in the “new” and don’t spend enough time in maintaining the now. I’m not shy to change and love the idea of travel and a good challenge, but want to make sure I don’t overlook what is already in motion. I don’t want to reinvent myself. Sure, I want to grow and learn. I want to stop putting my foot in my mouth, and I want to see the world. But more so, I want to live the life I already have. I want to restore strained relationships and love those in my life right now and today. I want invest in my commitments and not jump to the next thing too quickly just because it’s new. I want to understand the depth of my blessings and continue to grow, even if from the outside my life seems stagnant or simple. There’s something happening right now and I want to be focused enough to experience it. 

One of those days

Samantha Gratton

Ever find yourself in the middle of one of those days? Those days that you have such a river of thoughts but know as soon as you start to really sit down and think about it, you’ll be opening the flood gates and aren’t quite sure you’re ready for that? This weekend was like that for me. All in all, we had a good weekend. Hung out, had a date night, spent time with friends and enjoyed our time. But underneath it all I had all sorts of thoughts bubbling up about ready to spill over. Sad thoughts about all that’s wrong in the world and how badly I want to help make it better. I’m a blessed and grateful girl, but that does not mean this life is not hard. It downright breaks my heart sometimes how cold and cruel this world can be. I want to bang my fists on the ground and cry out. I want to bless my neighbors and protect those I love. I want to start a movement and circle the world with wisdom. I want this messed up world to be turned on its head and make sense again. The brokenness makes me want to shout and scream. 

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Then there’s Christmas. It’s a few weeks away, and I’m longing for what it’s really about—a broken world and a baby born to bring us salvation.  

“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.”
 – Luke 2:14

This. This is what I want for the world.

Spell it Out

Samantha Gratton

I write. You can’t deny it. Whether you think it’s good or bad is not the point. Regardless, I write. I write when I’m thinking through something or learning new lessons or fighting my fears or fleeing from life’s many mysteries. I write to sort through my thoughts and sometimes even to share them with you. It’s an expression and an art form, yet it also remains one of life’s simplest tasks. You don’t need to be a published author to write a to-do list. Nor a famous blogger to type out your daily activities. There’s something I love about that. And something about it that I detest.

I love writing. There’s so many things I could say about it yet still barely scratch the surface. That’s just it. How do you express what can’t be put to words? How to describe the clarity of colors? Or how to go on about the desperate desires of the heart set to song? Sometimes I wish my form of expression wasn’t something also found on a mere post-it note at work. But, oh how I love post-it notes. I love using a pen to jot something down as it emerges from a flitting idea into a coherent thought. The moment you escape the present and get lost in a realm of possibilities.

Writing makes you pause. You have to consider the appropriate word, and even reconsider it, before moving to the next. What is it? How to organize the countless thoughts that are running through your head? Which one takes precedent? Scream and shout. Whisper and murmur. It all looks the same on paper.

I think I could write an entire book about writing without really saying anything at all. Consider this my attempt at abstract art—a mess of colors that can only be truly understood by its creator, if even so. 

Traveling with Candor

Samantha Gratton

To sum up what traveling means to me is near impossible. It’s inspiring and wonderful and challenging and ridiculous and special and ordinary and vital all in one breath. Every time I go somewhere it makes me feel that much more alive. While it’s thrilling and sometimes adventurous, it also brings a negative side that’s just as much of a reminder of being alive.

The month I spent in China in college was the first traveling experience I remember that brought me to tears. I loved so many parts of my trip but the other half of the time I felt such a bitter loneliness and deep void that I couldn’t escape. Everything that was wrong with society and myself and my future was staring me in the face. I was trapped under this burden of angst and misery amongst the beauties and excitement of China. While I can’t even remember all that I was struggling with at the time, it shaped me. It certainly wasn’t the first thing I mentioned about my trip, if it was mentioned at all, but it was just as valuable of an experience.

The past few days we had the pleasure of spending time visiting with relatives and ringing in the new year in Music City. While it was wonderful to see everyone and experience our first snowfall this winter, it brought on some moments of pain. Facing insecurities and an unknown future isn’t exactly the kind of conversation you toss in between karaoke numbers. This wasn’t the trip that left us inspired by every opportunity or eager for more. It had touches of anxiety and longing instead. Not exactly the trip we planned, but perhaps the trip we needed. 

When you find a routine, you can sometimes shelf those fears and failures while you go on with regular daily life. You forget the past if you can and ignore the impending future. But as soon as you leave that routine and surrender yourself to a wide open sky and a long car ride through the mountains, there’s no telling what your inner thoughts will unravel and unveil.

While at times arduous and other times jovial, I was grateful for the time of travel. It forced growth and contemplation, insight and creativity—and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Travel brings out all the elements, whether you’re ready or not. 

Motivation behind the Drive

Samantha Gratton

In recent weeks there has been much discussion about our vehicles. Far more than I wish was the case. Currently, they are both posted on Craigslist, but that only means so much. At first, the plan was to sell both cars and buy a newer and better one to share. A few hours after we left the hubby’s car in the driveway we got a call from the city saying 1. We couldn’t sell a car there if we weren’t the owner of the house and 2. We couldn’t park on the lawn (okay, it was two tires on the lawn, two tires on the driveway due to our garage sale earlier that day). It felt like we were already failing when we had just begun.

The grand idea was that regardless of what one car we’d take, we could have someone else drive it there. That didn’t pan out. It’s fine and no questions asked. So, we went with Plan B – tow it with the truck. Neither of us were thrilled about this idea but felt it’d be better to be together and we’d just hope for the best. All the while, we continued to look for the car we’d like to buy and take with us.

This week it’s all hit. The car we had made an offer on turned out to be not quite as reliable as we needed it to be in order to make an offer. That was a major letdown. Plan C – take my car and fix it up a little more to make sure we’d be set for awhile. We took it in for an oil change and there are a few things we’ll need to do to it which will all add up. But, that’s what owning a car is, right? Repairs.

Before I can get my head around the fact that we’ve just changed plans in such a short time, I get more news. We’ve been advised to not tow the car. Just drive the truck. Figure out the car thing when we get there.

I might melt right here and now into a little puddle of stress and tears. We wanted to only drive the truck in the first place. Of course that’s ideal. We’ve been looking and trying to find the right and affordable vehicle for the past two months and just came up short. So, we shouldn’t bank on finding a car when we get there, to a much smaller town and area, as if it will be a quick and easy endeavor. Finally, while this advice may be quite valid, it doesn’t seem to solve the problem but rather presents a new one. 

I think the hardest part about this idea is that so many things are going out the door – jobs, furniture, stability, money. Having a car was the one thing that separates us from 12-year-olds as we stuff everything we own into a basement. We are about to go live in someone else’s home while we look for jobs. How will we be able to look for jobs (in another city 3 hours away from where we plan to live) without a car? The thought makes me feel stuck and trapped in a town we’d never want to live in without a way out. Plus, there’s no denying that this is a significant change in our lives. Going from a small house of two adults to a busy house of six – two of whom are children. It’s a lot to take on even with healthy boundaries. The thought of being there without a car, I can’t do it. I need to be able to know I have that final freedom to drive away. Drive to get out of the house. Drive to look for a job. Drive to familiarize myself with the area. Drive to have a moment of alone time. Drive to be free.