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Lost in the Days

Samantha Gratton

It’s been about a month. A month since I walked away from a job that didn’t have anything left for me. A month of questioning myself, doubting my strengths and yet still seeing some good. I’ve traveled more than I had anticipated between a family funeral and a few family trips nearby that I had the time to join in on. I struggle daily between feeling like “this is all going to be okay” and “what have I done to end up here in life?”

I’ve tried to regularly wake up in the morning between 8:00 and 9:00 AM, but the days are a strange blur. I never seem to know what day of the week it is. While this may sound like a rare luxury that I should enjoy (and perhaps in some ways it is), it is unsettling. I am constantly wondering if I am missing something, the same way I would occasionally panic as a kid thinking that I had forgotten a homework assignment, even though school was out for the summer. In some ways it feels like this portion of life, this job searching and soul searching, just began last week. In other ways, it feels like I have been without work for months yet I have nothing to show for it. My time has been soaked up—running errands, cleaning the house and spending time with friends and family. That said, my house is somehow still messy, I have a list of things waiting to be accomplished and I don’t seem to be connecting with people as well or as often as I want to.

I try to understand my thoughts and feelings as I wander through this odd time but try not to dwell in the confusion and frustration. When we first decided to move two years ago, I dreaded this time. A time of loss and uncertainty with no real end date. Two years ago, I expected it to happen then instead, not now. Yes, there was plenty of emotion and fear in moving, but once we got here it all happened so fast. We landed jobs and a place to live within mere weeks. I had planned to spend 3-6 months in a transition time without a job or any indication of my future, but I didn’t get the chance. Now, here I am, hoping and praying for some direction.

With hardly a lead in the job search, I get the feeling this might take some time. I want to stay busy and ignore it. Push through and force something to happen. I don’t particularly feel like assessing myself and the situation. I want to move on and not feel like there’s a topic I’d prefer to avoid when mingling with acquaintances. I’m applying to jobs left and right and networking more than I feel I have the energy to. I want to take hold of any opportunity I have to spend time with people when I previously couldn’t. I want to figure out meaning and purpose, but I don’t want to pretend this is all profound. It’s just something that happened. I had a job and now I don’t. It happens to people everyday.

What do I want my life to be about? Shouldn’t we all be asking that? I have a feeling I’m not the only one who doesn’t have that figured out.   

Thursday Three

Samantha Gratton

That’s right. Two blogs in one day, but hey, I’ve got to make up for some lost time. After my earlier update regarding where things were at, I feel it’s high time for some photos of all of the awesome things that have happened in the last few weeks! 

1. Took a trip to my homeland. Got to see some lovely people, catch up with family, rummage through old photos and congratulate my sister on her high school graduation. 

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2. Beach trips are always welcome. The day after returning from the Midwest, I packed up our bags and we headed to the coast for the annual family beach trip with the hubby’s sister and her family. It was warm and sunny, perfect for swimming in the ocean. We ate donuts, shared stories and visited our favorite seaside thrift shop. 

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3. Holiday weekends are awesome regardless of your job status. Because everyone else was celebrating the time off, we returned to Raleigh to spend time with friends from Charlotte, host a couple from Wilmington and enjoy a barbecue in the neighborhood.  

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What I Have

Samantha Gratton

The last week, two weeks, month have been a total blur. I made mention of my job situation in the beginning of May, but it didn’t stop there. About a week later my grandma passed away. A grandma who was dearly loved but had suffered with Parkinson’s disease for far too long. Suddenly I found myself with more time than I could have imagined, enabling me to make a trip back to the Midwest to be with family. As much as I feel like I should sit around wallowing sometimes, I’m grateful that the timing of things worked out the way it did. 

What now? Time will tell. With everything going on, I haven’t really had the time to reflect on it all and come up with my plans, goals and dreams for the future. I have, however, been able to spend time with some wonderful people who have been so encouraging and considerate. I am surrounded by so much good, it’s unbelievable. Selfishly, I want to act as though everything in life isn’t fair. When those little waves of panic hit where I realize I have no idea what tomorrow will look like, I want to hide under the covers and cry for a good long time. For fleeting moments I want to shout “woe is me!” or throw a fit at the injustices of the world. But I can’t. I have so much. People have shown incredible love and care for me/us. My life is good. I have such joy. 

Sometimes I worry that saying it out loud will cause something else bad to happen just to test me.Sure, I’m tired and stressed and unsure of what my future holds. I haven’t slept much lately and still get sick from time to time. I doubt my abilities and question my dreams. I don’t know where all of this is going, and it completely freaks me out sometimes. Saying I have joy doesn’t mean it has been easy. I want it to all be better, to suddenly come together all tied up with a bow, just because I’m still smiling about it. But I don’t get that guarantee. None of us do. 

So, bear with me as I will likely have ups and downs while facing the unknown. Today though, let’s focus on the joy. 

Sorry for the Radio Silence

Samantha Gratton

There’s been a lot going on lately. Things I haven’t always known how to share. What are you supposed to do, go up to people and say, “hey! me! Life isn’t going the way I want it to right now!” or is there a better way to say it that I am not yet aware of? The longer I go without sharing about it though, the more I feel like I am living a lie.

A little over a week ago, my job came to a sudden halt. Some might say I quit, and some might say I lost my job. It all happened so quickly, it’s hard to say which came first. The business had been struggling, and I found myself without any work to do. There are several more twists and turns to the story, but none worth chasing right now. The bottom line is, I am unemployed and feel a deep sense of loss because of it.

I’ve had a hard time talking about the situation and have tried to figure out why. Clearly, I’ve left a job before, but this time feels so different. Likely, I have avoided it for fear of the response I would receive. Whether an inward or outward response, I don’t want people to think of me as a quitter or a failure. My career path was been far from what I have wanted or expected. This was not my plan nor what I wanted to happen. The questions of “what’s next” or “what do you want” completely overwhelm me. The answer? I don’t know.

No new opportunity or exciting adventure awaits on the other side. This is not a vacation, despite joking about my new-found free time. There was no game of chicken to see how I could get more money out of the deal through severance or unemployment. No, there were deep-rooted issues that hurt everyone involved. The past few months have been incredibly stressful as I’ve sought to respond with integrity and with grace. I’ve wrestled with how to react, questioned where I went wrong and feel so inadequate because of it all. But here I am.

I am grateful for what I have, as this could be a much more dire situation. While this has been trying for me, I realize that everyone has trials of some sort. I’m glad for those who are ready and willing to support me, even when they don’t know how. I’m thankful for a husband who loves me regardless.

I don’t know what is to come. The next few weeks/months are a total mystery to me. It hasn’t been easy to face that reality and even more difficult to sum it all up.

Thursday Three

Samantha Gratton

Let’s just cut to the chase.

1. Sometimes it’s nice to go off the grid. Did we do that while camping? Not really, thanks to some helicopter drills at all hours of the night, but we had a good time pitching a tent near the bay anyway. Down by the bay…

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2. Being disconnected isn’t all bad. I finally broke down and agreed to upgrade to the new IOS (I know, way behind), and it resulted in a phone stuck in recovery mode for the better part of 24 hours. But life went on and I enjoyed not being slave to a phone all day long.

3. Catching up with old friends can be either really awesome or really hard. It likely depends what you feel is going on and what you share. The last two weeks I’ve been sending long personal emails to people I haven’t seen in years and really enjoyed hearing from them in return. Not only that, but I got to better understand and articulate my own story. I got to share all of the things that have happened in the past five years, and it seems like a lot of transition when it’s all written out. To be honest, there are a few things that have been going on in the last month that I haven’t known how to share, things that aren’t all easy to explain. I’ve been isolating myself a bit as I’ve tried to grasp everything all at once. I promise to fill you in later, but in the meantime, please forgive me if I seem withdrawn. I’m just sorting through things but fully intend to soak up some of the sunny goodness of the summer and enjoy the people around me.

May Day!

Samantha Gratton

Thursday Three is cancelled today in honor of May Day. Maybe I’ll come back and report on the week, maybe I won’t. Instead, tonight I made a few of these little “baskets” for the neighbors.

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After ringing doorbells, running away and then later explaining the concept of May Day to these Southern folk who’d never heard such a thing, I received this in return 20 minutes later:

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May Day likely has many origins and stories, but I just know it as the day you throw together a basket (or more commonly a cup) full of popcorn, candies and flowers. Drop it on the doorstop and ring the bell before you run away. Legend goes…if they catch you, they kiss you. 

Happy May Day, y’all.

Figured it Out?

Samantha Gratton

It’s becoming increasingly apparent that no one really has it all figured out, do they? People will say the more you learn, the less you know. Maybe I’m just hitting the age when that seems incredibly true. An age where I’ve lived as an adult long enough to find that no one I’ve ever met truly knows what the heck they are doing.

Somehow though we get caught up in it. What are you going to be when you grow up? What are your dreams? What have you accomplished? People seem to have these answers. You look at them and think, “Wow, what would it be like to actually know the answer? How did you find it?” When in reality, being asked the same question repeatedly makes it easier to concoct an answer rather than just say it. I don’t know. I don’t know!

Later, alone in the dark and quiet, we feel like frauds. Fakes. Phonies. We look to see other people have managed to do something big like run successful businesses, write books on how to live, earn gold medals, sell records and essentially “make it” in the world. For a moment, it appears to be the truth, and again we sit in awe, wondering how we could ever achieve what they just did. But then they fail or fade away, that promise of accomplishment and satisfaction passing quickly. Then it’s back to square one, and they try again. We try again.

Sometimes it feels like admitting that we don’t know what we’re doing is a big step. It’s a hurdle we overcome and humbling to share, when really, it’s everyone’s truth. I struggle with it constantly—the idea that by this point in my life, I should know something or be someone and doing something. That’s not the case. I’ll keep trying, sure. But I’m going to say it just as much for me as for you: you’re not a failure for not knowing all the answers. You’re just like everyone else in this world by trying to make due with what you have. Don’t believe the facades. We’re all right there with you.

Thursday Three

Samantha Gratton

The weather this week has been so incredibly awesome. We have less pollen flying around and the sun won’t quit shining. I love it.

1. A day is a day, full of goodness and imperfections, trials and triumphs. I’ve been thinking lately about days. Sure, sometimes we have really great days, and sometimes we have really rough days. But then there’s a ton of days that could really go either way. We have moments throughout the day that swing back and forth between good and bad. For the most part, each day is going to get a little mix of both. Instead of labeling it one way or the other though, I’ve decided to take it all in…but ultimately let the good win.

2. I wonder how many friendships are formed at Redbox. We had a weekend full of good food and movie marathons. We saw several great movies (About Time, Gravity and In A World…) and ended up waiting for a Redbox movie twice, both times forming fast friendships with someone else in line, joking about movies and relating on some level. We’ve all got something in common—we’re all just people trying to figure out this life. It’s fun to intersect with someone along the way and share one of life’s sweet moments.

3. You never know what people pick up on. We hosted another couch surfer last night, and she told us all about her upcoming trip across the country. Hearing about someone’s adventure makes me want to grab a camera and join them, but it was also interesting to hear what made her decide to stay with us. Her reasons were completely different from the last person who stayed with us, but it made me think a little about what we represent to people.

Thursday Three – Almost Cancelled

Samantha Gratton

I love writing/blogging but today, I don’t really feel like it. This morning I would have told you I felt somehow that we might be on the verge of something big, but I didn’t know what. By the end of the day I feel a bit more defeated and disappointed. This has been a long and tiring week. After a night of lackluster networking and not enough sleep, the last thing I want to do is reflect on what the past week looked like. Sigh. But the fact of the matter was that it wasn’t all bad. There’s always some good and some sort of progress. So, tonight’s three is just going to be three things I managed to accomplish this past week. We can ignore the failures and frustrations this time.  

1. Read the book Divergent in its entirety in one night. Am I a teenager? No, but people tell me I look like one. Might as well get away with a little young adult lit while I’m at it. So, I avoided all the things I should have been doing and finished it in one shot.

2. Cleaned the house and hosted a brunch. Every few months, the staff wives at our church get together. Being one of them, I decided to open up our little home for some eggs and coffee. What are staff wives? They are the wives of the men who work at church, also known as ministry wives. We have a weird (and unpaid) job at church so it’s good to get together from time to time.

3. Wrote half a paper and gave a presentation. Maybe this one doesn’t deserve full credit, but I did have to give a presentation. The second half of that paper and one more class remains before the end of the semester. As much as I’ve enjoyed learning more about nonprofits, I’m ready for time away from homework and another night of flexibility during the week.

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That’s all I’ve got for now. Happy Spring.

Thursday Three

Samantha Gratton

Well hey there. What a week to review. It’s pretty hard to top a week of vacation, so obviously, I didn’t. This week has been fairly stressful in an odd assortment of ways but the weather has been beautiful, albeit pollen-filled. For those of you who don’t live in North Carolina, you should know that when I say pollen-filled air, I mean you can literally see it. Giant yellow pollen dust clouds that leave a visible layer on everything outdoors.

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1. The more rushed a person is to seal a deal, the less I trust them. For a whopping 24 hours there was some sort of freelance deal that I was a part of that made my head spin. I was sooo glad it didn’t come to fruition in the end. Business can be funny and sometimes it is hard to know who to trust. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what can be considered acceptable business practices and where the line should be. I’ll own up to being a millennial wanting to find meaning in my work, but I won’t apologize for it. So, what kind of business do I want to be a part of and represent? What are the red flags and why do they seem so alarming? What motivates the decisions?

2. You’re not in it all alone. Sometimes I take on the weight of everything happening around me. I wouldn’t recommend it. For a few days this past week I’ve just felt frantic in my stress. Sure, they were stressful things, but it’s not all up to me to handle alone. This is why we have friends and family and a God who cares for us. It’s not worth me hanging on to all the things that wear me down.

3. Saving up always pays. I’ve mentioned money things once or twice before, but I’ll give you a little more background. When we got married, we did the Financial Peace University video series with Dave Ramsey. To be honest, I think anyone who does the class should take it with a grain of salt. At the core, it’s a decent system though, one that encouraged us to pay off our school loans quicker and save up an emergency fund. It wasn’t always easy or fun and meant a lot of saying “no” to things. But it has enabled us to live with so much more freedom and flexibility. It allowed us to move without having jobs lined up and provides us with a buffer when we need it. Would I sometimes rather travel the world and worry about the money later? Heck yes. Instead we’re slowly putting money away to take a big trip in a few years. Neither of us have super high-paying jobs, but we live within our means and save what we can. All that to say, I am so grateful for this mentality to save for a rainy day. Because it will rain, but now we don’t have to live in fear of that day.