What I Write and What I Want

On the Horizon
It’s been a few weeks, and I’m still not sure how to pick up where I left off. A lot has happened and is happening. A few difficult yet vaguely described months this past fall/winter were followed by some resolve, some redirection, and some utter ridiculousness. In all of that, I question what it is I most want to say.

I have talked a few times about how much I appreciate writing and have been grateful that this blog has been a place for that. It’s been a way to update people, to share my thoughts, and to think through the different things going on in our lives. But it is also a place people come to read those things, which is something I consider very carefully. A handful of people have told me that they read my blog, which is always a flattering compliment, so I have a limited notion of my audience. There are also many people I’ve never met and know nothing about.

To me, the listeners/readers are often just as important as the message. This isn’t a journal, so if I don’t consider my audience, I do a disservice to us both. Lately, with a lot of transition and life going on, I’ve been considering even more carefully what it is that I’m saying and how my words are portrayed to those who are watching and reading. There are times filled with great news or success that I want to shout about and times when I just love the little details in life and want to share them. There are moments of frustration I want to lash out in passive aggression and moments of hurt or fear that I want to describe and sort through.

But the question becomes, what is my purpose? What is it I most want to do through my life and likewise, my writing?

Do I want to have a big platform? Do I want lots of likes and attention? Do I want to promote or sell something? Do I want to woo or impress? Do I want to simply have a creative outlet or a modern-day scrapbook?

Ultimately, none of those are my purpose, and in realizing this, I’ve stepped back. I’ve considered each word and each post and the impact it has. In this time of contemplation I have yet to figure out where to go from here and what I most want to say. But I know I want to keep writing. I want to connect with people. I want to write in a way that encourages, inspires, and relates.

Not only is this my favorite type of writing, but this is the type of writing I most love to read. I have learned and grown so much from reading what others write as they face challenges, celebrate victories, find their faith, and pursue their purpose. Not only that, but these are the lives that carry the greatest impact. Some people have strong voices or get loads of attention, but I’m not after the megaphone moments or a picture perfect type of lifestyle.

I want true authenticity and real relationships; loud joy and quiet success; wisdom over wealth; words filled with grace and also with thanks, and through it all, no matter what, I want to have faith, hope, and love

There Will Be Days

31 Days of Finding Self | Moving Peaces

There will be days when life seems to make sense. You feel like you know who you are, what is most important to you and what your best talents and skills are. Those days are sweet days with a certain ease to it. Your confidence is restored and you have a clarity of mind.

There will also be days when everything you thought you knew goes awry. You flounder about trying to understand why you feel the way you do and wonder what your purpose is in the world. There’s a difficulty and sometimes pain that comes with these days. It can lead to discovery or it can lead to doubt. Self-worth is questioned and positivity is often lost.

You will face both types of days. When you hit one of those days hard, it might seem unfathomable that things will swing back around in the other direction at some point. When that happens, we need to cling to the truths. We need to prepare for both days and acknowledge that they will happen as they are part of life. But then we need to keep moving forward.


This post is a part of the Finding Self series for the 31 Days of blogging in October.
To see the all posts in this series, check out the Finding Self page.

Vocational Pursuits

There are people who love their jobs. These people that live and breathe what they do, almost obnoxiously so. I know it doesn’t exist merely in movies or books where the character’s job encapsulates their personality. I’ve seen it happen in real life with people I know and love. Sometimes it is a dream job after years of searching or sometimes, that lucky person seemingly walks into what it is they want to do. Their interests and loves and strengths present the perfect opportunity to just do and be.

It is truly a beautiful thing to witness someone right in their element, doing what they were intended to do. Or at least, doing what they are supposed to for that season of time. Not only is the work better, but life outside of work is better, too. I’m not just talking about a job, but a vocation, be it an organizational setting or community or family. A person isn’t only defined by their job, but it sure does impact a major portion of your time. It brings me such joy to witness those in a vocational setting of passion, challenge and strength.

Right now, that’s not my story. I will continue to work as hard as possible and show love to those around me, but I feel it deep within me that this isn’t what I was made to do. I’ve worked at a few places now where it hasn’t all added up to the right fit. I’ve also had the blessing of being somewhere that made me feel alive at the end of the day. I’ve learned the hard way that there’s a difference between saying “I could do that” and “I want to do that!” No more. No more pretending to be something I’m not in an effort to find myself. All I can do is be the best me. My goal is to find that place and that opportunity where everything meets up. Where I’m doing what I was meant to do. Because I deeply believe there is something I was made to do, something more than this. Call me a dreamer all you want, but don’t call me a quitter because I’m far from quitting on my dreams. I’m on a quest to use the strengths and talents God gave me for his glory and that’s nothing short of exciting.

Maybe someone out there thinks I am just bent on being unhappy at my job or that I can’t commit. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m committed and passionate about living a life with purpose that suits my unique skills and talents. I’m thrilled about embarking on this adventure called life and refuse to give in to the stagnant monotony our society assigns. There’s more out there, and I believe it comes from a God who gifted each of us differently. If we weren’t meant to use those gifts, then why would He give them to us?

Time Crept

While most are realizing Christmas is days away and there are a million things left to do, it’s not the top of my mind. What I’m coming to terms with is a job complete. My brain tried sorting through it before but eventually settled on pushing it off until later since I was technically still working that job.

Right before Thanksgiving I quit the job I had here in North Carolina. I don’t like to think of myself as a quitter, but maybe I am. Maybe I want to say “stop the monotony” and “don’t settle” to anyone who will listen. Is quitting the answer? Not always. Was it this time? Yes.

Hours after quitting, they asked me to stay on as a contractor until Christmas. This meant that I was basically doing the same job but at an hourly rate and without benefits. It also meant that I had been given some extra time before really considering all that had happened.

I think the full realization will finally hit after Christmas. When everyone else returns to work, and I suddenly find myself without a job or knowledge of what it might be. Maybe then I’ll be able to wrap my head around the whirlwind of the last few months. Arriving in a new state, knowing next to no one and taking a job despite some serious hesitations. Pondering things like purpose, value and worth. Trying to find how and where I’ve gone wrong to wind up in a place of such uncertainty in my “career path.” Because suddenly, I’ve finished my last day—for real this time. I haven’t a clue what’s around the bend. I’ve been here before, all too recently, when we packed up and headed across the country with little to no plan. But this time it almost feels more real. Or maybe I just never spent enough time reflecting on it the first time.

Either way, it’s here now and right up in my face.