An apology might not be the first thing that comes to mind when you consider the topic “Finding Self” but I still think it’s important. We live in this culture that says to be you and stand up for yourself. I don’t disagree, but I think we can take it too far.
There are times when I can get too caught up with what I’m doing or thinking. I have this plan for how life should look, not just for me but for everyone around me. I start going on these tangents on how life should go and where people haven’t quite learned what they should have by now. I plow ahead with these thoughts and opinions, at times silently thinking I’m in the clear. I expect graces from people when I’ve been busy or having a bad day but then don’t always offer them when I should for others.
Do I do things intentionally to hurt people? No. But sometimes in my fog of thoughts and feelings I don’t act or react the way I should. Finding self doesn’t mean that I’m always right or that it’s all about how great I am. Finding self means I have to recognize the areas where I’ve failed and let people down. I may be coming into my own in some ways and ready to do amazing things, but I also have things in my life that I’m not proud of and downfalls that aren’t pretty. Realizing that side of self isn’t as flattering or as fun, but it’s often just as significant and something to learn how to handle.
Instead of pressing on ahead like that thing I said or did never happened, it’s worth it to go back and find out what it takes to make it right. Saying sorry requires humility and admitting your shortcomings to someone. Being truly sorry means you are owning up to wrongful thoughts/actions that you’d rather just ignore.
This post is a part of the Finding Self series for the 31 Days of blogging in October.
To see the all posts in this series, check out the Finding Self page.
I’ve been discovered! Our position has been compromised!
A friend of mine called tonight to tell me she and her husband were moving from one part of the country to another and then added, “You aren’t moving yet, right?”
What?! I was completely thrown off. I mean, she’s among the people who’ve known me and that I want to move for years but in a sense, nothing’s changed. What no one’s supposed to know is that it’s actually happening. I don’t think I fielded that question as well as I would have liked. Shoot.
At this point, it is starting to get tricky though. At home, we’re talking about dates to go. I’m making a pile of items for a garage sale and packing things we will be putting in storage. To the outside world, we’re just doing life and taking a few weekend summer trips. But really, these trips are likely my last chance to see a lot of people, including my grandparents this coming weekend.
We are trying to be sensitive to what’s happening around us. We want to tell our workplaces sooner rather than later so that there’s opportunity to fill our positions. We want to tell our friends, but we also want to just enjoy spending time with them. I might be blogging (secretly), but we’ve told very few people. Those people either live out-of-state or we’re related to them. And part of it is that we don’t want to start saying things until we know what the heck the plan is. Right now we still have applications out in several parts of the country. So we wouldn’t want to say we’re moving to this state, when in reality we’re going the complete opposite direction. We’re getting really close to a plan. That plan being, move and figure it out. But even with that, we want to be cautious about it (in a healthy manner) and don’t want to let the cat out of the bag before we have to.
In that same breath, it makes me feel uncomfortable knowing I interact with people that have no idea. It’s a big part of our daily life right now, yet we’re trying to keep it under wraps. What kind of friend does that make me? I’m trying to drop subtle hints so no one is blind-sighted. I suppose though in some ways, that goes back to my fear of the perceptions of others. But this one is a bit more personal. I want my friends to know I care about them and therefore want to let them in on my life. So, friends, sorry in advance that the timing might be off when I do get around to telling you. We’re just trying to do what seems best for the time being.