There have been several points during this process that I have felt so isolated and alone that even a crowded room of people wouldn’t be able to convince me otherwise. The weight of what’s happening and how to handle it just seems to fall squarely on my shoulders. We each have separate feelings and emotions to deal with and sometimes we’re dealing so much with our own that we can hardly handle to take on someone else’s. That goes for me and the hubby, me and a friend, me and a co-worker, etc.
Whether it was because of distance, secrecy or lack of depth, I’ve had a hard time this past year knowing who my close friends were. No one is to blame and some of it comes down to the stage of life so many of us find ourselves in. With so much transition and change, it makes it difficult to keep track of who’s life is facing the most chaos. I’ve struggled, I’ve reached out, I’ve cried, I’ve given up and I’ve found it. For a while though, I thought it wasn’t possible. That close friendships couldn’t be created after high school or college and was even told as much.
You don’t have to throw me a pity party, because trust me, I’ve thrown a few of my own already this year. This isn’t one of them. Instead, this is me owning up to it. I’ve felt alone. I’ve been lonely. I’ve needed help. And really, I’ve just needed someone to say, come over and let’s eat chocolate and veg out. I’ve needed someone else to say, I need a friend.
So if you feel like you’re the only one, let me take a minute to be real with you – I’m struggling too. This kind of vulnerability is rare, and I don’t want it to come off as desperate. I’m willing to risk that though in order to let someone else know that they are not alone.
As we take this next step, I’m going to need some support. My prayer is that I find it in God, in my husband, in my family and in some good, solid friends. While I may be leaving a few behind, I’m hoping to find some friends ready to go deep, get real and plain hang out.