Here’s a little bit of the real. The real, the truth, is changing…always. All of the things I’ve said to this point remain and are as true as could be when they were first said. At the same time, there are days that I don’t even know what to think.
This isn’t a vacation. The weather has already proved to be so much better, the scenery is a change of pace and we get to discover new things everyday. What a dream, right? Well yes, but dreams don’t last.
Despite all of the good, I’ve been a mess of tears the past few days. It was sad and simple and even a bit of a relief. I didn’t and don’t regret moving or the decisions we’ve made. Through the tears I just kept saying, “I don’t want to be here today.” A lot of things went into that feeling, nothing major but nothing completely petty. I miss my mom. I miss feeling completely comfortable and confident at work. I miss seeing a familiar face at church. I miss the uniquely Iowa things you just can’t get anywhere else (we went to the fair this weekend and almost immediately decided our next Iowa visit would have to be in August so we could go to a real state fair).
This is all part of the deal. We knew that going into this move. Up until now, while we’ve been stressed, we’ve pushed through because we knew everything was ultimately alright. And it still is. But some of this hard part was oozing out and needed to be acknowledged with a few sniffles (or sobs). It’s still good. It’s still hard. It’s how we know we’re alive. And that in itself is something to be thankful for.
“What you don’t know can’t hurt you.” But what if it should?
Ignorance is bliss, but are we really called to be ignorant people for the sake of bliss? I want to be happy just as much as the next person, but I don’t want it to come at the expense of authenticity. Being aware and understanding of the truth is a real part of life. It’s an important one – it allows us to feel and give empathy, and at times, take action. Don’t close your eyes to the world. Don’t take refuge in the suburbs, whether that be in the metaphorical or physical sense. Ask questions. Dig deeper. Oblivion is not an acceptable excuse. Oblivion only goes so far before it’s blatant.
To a certain extent, I feel as though we’ve officially told the world. This isn’t really true, however, as most staff at the hubby’s workplace have yet to hear due to the mid-week holiday and scheduling last week. It’s good to feel like we can finally be open and honest though about what we’re doing and where we’re headed. We’ve received mixed reviews, but overall quite positive feedback. Excitement. Sadness. Encouragement. Jealousy. Disbelief. Shock.
It’s good to feel like people are behind us. What is most interesting to me is hearing the response. Not the response merely about our immediate plans, but about us. Sometimes what’s said about who we are or what we’ve meant to the people around us is surprising. I appreciate it being said and am often flattered by it. What’s crazy to consider is that these things may not have been said otherwise. No one’s to blame for this and better late than never, but strange just the same. I’m probably equally guilty of this at times but want to reconsider this trend.
It may sound cliche, but why not tell people what they mean to you? What are they good at? What do you appreciate? What makes them important? What will you miss (even if they aren’t going anywhere)? What impact have they had on your life? Why do you enjoy their company?
I can’t say whether or not knowing all of these things six months ago would have changed the plan for us, but it might have changed a bit of our outlook. Life can have its struggles here and there and for awhile we wondered if we had any friends in this town. If we were appreciated at work. If we would be missed.
My hope is to remember this moving forward. Say these things. Show people you care before they have to wonder. See what changes. I yearn for a life of truth and honesty and even some vulnerability. Let’s be real now.