Every once in a while, the doubt creeps in and I look around and think, what have we done? I second guess myself. I worry but call it “wonder” about the future. What jobs we’ll have. Where we’ll live. If we can afford a house. If we can have kids. What kind of pain or challenges we’ll face. And before I know it, I’m already anxious about things that haven’t even happened. Mourning losses and giving up hope for things that are not in the near future.
Why do I do that? What purpose does it serve?
I don’t know. I just don’t know what all of that will look like. And all I can do is take a deep breath, hope and pray.
Here’s a little bit of the real. The real, the truth, is changing…always. All of the things I’ve said to this point remain and are as true as could be when they were first said. At the same time, there are days that I don’t even know what to think.
This isn’t a vacation. The weather has already proved to be so much better, the scenery is a change of pace and we get to discover new things everyday. What a dream, right? Well yes, but dreams don’t last.
Despite all of the good, I’ve been a mess of tears the past few days. It was sad and simple and even a bit of a relief. I didn’t and don’t regret moving or the decisions we’ve made. Through the tears I just kept saying, “I don’t want to be here today.” A lot of things went into that feeling, nothing major but nothing completely petty. I miss my mom. I miss feeling completely comfortable and confident at work. I miss seeing a familiar face at church. I miss the uniquely Iowa things you just can’t get anywhere else (we went to the fair this weekend and almost immediately decided our next Iowa visit would have to be in August so we could go to a real state fair).
This is all part of the deal. We knew that going into this move. Up until now, while we’ve been stressed, we’ve pushed through because we knew everything was ultimately alright. And it still is. But some of this hard part was oozing out and needed to be acknowledged with a few sniffles (or sobs). It’s still good. It’s still hard. It’s how we know we’re alive. And that in itself is something to be thankful for.
“What you don’t know can’t hurt you.” But what if it should?
Ignorance is bliss, but are we really called to be ignorant people for the sake of bliss? I want to be happy just as much as the next person, but I don’t want it to come at the expense of authenticity. Being aware and understanding of the truth is a real part of life. It’s an important one – it allows us to feel and give empathy, and at times, take action. Don’t close your eyes to the world. Don’t take refuge in the suburbs, whether that be in the metaphorical or physical sense. Ask questions. Dig deeper. Oblivion is not an acceptable excuse. Oblivion only goes so far before it’s blatant.
I had a phone interview this morning. I didn’t tell anyone about it but the hubby. I go back and forth between wanting to spill to the world about our move and not mentioning anything to anybody. We’ve told some people without giving the date, some without the place and still some without the reason why. It’s a lot to mentally organize and remember who knows what and how much should be said. I have to catch my tongue with that dreaded permanent retainer stuck behind my bottom teeth. It’s the only way I know all of the thoughts swirling around my head aren’t spilling out of my mouth – during the office meeting, visiting the shop down the street or talking on the phone.
But then sometimes I say – “heck! why not?” And that’s what happened tonight when the hubby went to band practice. Just go for it. Who cares? Well, I care if it gets back to someone else before I tell them. And then I preceded to have a minor panic attack in my head. What if they say something to someone to someone who tells my boss? Ack!
I think I’m ready for this to be all out in the open. But then again, as soon as that happens, there really is no turning back.
There have been several points during this process that I have felt so isolated and alone that even a crowded room of people wouldn’t be able to convince me otherwise. The weight of what’s happening and how to handle it just seems to fall squarely on my shoulders. We each have separate feelings and emotions to deal with and sometimes we’re dealing so much with our own that we can hardly handle to take on someone else’s. That goes for me and the hubby, me and a friend, me and a co-worker, etc.
Whether it was because of distance, secrecy or lack of depth, I’ve had a hard time this past year knowing who my close friends were. No one is to blame and some of it comes down to the stage of life so many of us find ourselves in. With so much transition and change, it makes it difficult to keep track of who’s life is facing the most chaos. I’ve struggled, I’ve reached out, I’ve cried, I’ve given up and I’ve found it. For a while though, I thought it wasn’t possible. That close friendships couldn’t be created after high school or college and was even told as much.
You don’t have to throw me a pity party, because trust me, I’ve thrown a few of my own already this year. This isn’t one of them. Instead, this is me owning up to it. I’ve felt alone. I’ve been lonely. I’ve needed help. And really, I’ve just needed someone to say, come over and let’s eat chocolate and veg out. I’ve needed someone else to say, I need a friend.
So if you feel like you’re the only one, let me take a minute to be real with you – I’m struggling too. This kind of vulnerability is rare, and I don’t want it to come off as desperate. I’m willing to risk that though in order to let someone else know that they are not alone.
As we take this next step, I’m going to need some support. My prayer is that I find it in God, in my husband, in my family and in some good, solid friends. While I may be leaving a few behind, I’m hoping to find some friends ready to go deep, get real and plain hang out.
Okay, this is becoming real. Too real. We’ve talked about moving for months, years. We’ve looked for jobs, even had a few interviews – nothing that’s officially come through. Finding a job halfway across the country isn’t easy. We aren’t CEOs or executives. The type of work we’ll be doing could probably be done by dozens (ahem, hundreds?) of other people. From a practical standpoint, there’s not a whole lot of reason for a company to bother with us and all of the hassle of phone interviews, different time zones, relocation, etc. So the logical thing is to just move, right? To eliminate that hassle for these future employers of ours? Gosh, I hope so.
It’s hard to focus on much else around here. The hubby admitted to starting to distance himself from life here while I’m trying to do/see/visit everything “one last time” before we go. But if we don’t cling to these coping mechanisms, then we have more time to consider exactly what we’re about to do. We have a decent life here. Are we really going to give that all up? Really? What. The. Heck.
An hour ago we told our landlord we’re moving. We haven’t even fully told our parents, but I guess he’s the only one who requires 60 days notice. I was definitely antsy as we scurried around cleaning the house before he came over. I told the hubby this was like buying the engagement ring – we aren’t married to moving until we’ve left, but we definitely just upped our level of commitment. Eek! This. Is. HAPPENING.