Sorry for the Radio Silence

There’s been a lot going on lately. Things I haven’t always known how to share. What are you supposed to do, go up to people and say, “hey! me! Life isn’t going the way I want it to right now!” or is there a better way to say it that I am not yet aware of? The longer I go without sharing about it though, the more I feel like I am living a lie.

A little over a week ago, my job came to a sudden halt. Some might say I quit, and some might say I lost my job. It all happened so quickly, it’s hard to say which came first. The business had been struggling, and I found myself without any work to do. There are several more twists and turns to the story, but none worth chasing right now. The bottom line is, I am unemployed and feel a deep sense of loss because of it.

I’ve had a hard time talking about the situation and have tried to figure out why. Clearly, I’ve left a job before, but this time feels so different. Likely, I have avoided it for fear of the response I would receive. Whether an inward or outward response, I don’t want people to think of me as a quitter or a failure. My career path was been far from what I have wanted or expected. This was not my plan nor what I wanted to happen. The questions of “what’s next” or “what do you want” completely overwhelm me. The answer? I don’t know.

No new opportunity or exciting adventure awaits on the other side. This is not a vacation, despite joking about my new-found free time. There was no game of chicken to see how I could get more money out of the deal through severance or unemployment. No, there were deep-rooted issues that hurt everyone involved. The past few months have been incredibly stressful as I’ve sought to respond with integrity and with grace. I’ve wrestled with how to react, questioned where I went wrong and feel so inadequate because of it all. But here I am.

I am grateful for what I have, as this could be a much more dire situation. While this has been trying for me, I realize that everyone has trials of some sort. I’m glad for those who are ready and willing to support me, even when they don’t know how. I’m thankful for a husband who loves me regardless.

I don’t know what is to come. The next few weeks/months are a total mystery to me. It hasn’t been easy to face that reality and even more difficult to sum it all up.