A Dating Story

The couchsurfer that stayed with us last week had many things to say and talk about, but one of those things was dating. Currently from Houston but otherwise from India, he asked what the foundation of the dating culture in America was. (Did I mention he was some type of scientist that I don’t even fully know how to pronounce? Yes, he was quite intelligent and processed life in a very technical way, which is different from the way I see the world.)

We were taken aback by the question. What was the dating culture all about? After a pause, the hubby said something along the lines of maybe we weren’t the best example of American dating. But in thinking more about it, I’m not sure there is a perfect example of what American dating should be.

There’s the stereotypical high school or college sweethearts…or there’s the statistically more common date-and-marry-in-your-late-twenties. For some reason sometimes it feels like this country assumes you do one or the other, but I don’t see why. Everyone has their own story and that’s okay. I don’t think ours is necessarily the right way, but at the same time I’ve come to terms with it not being the wrong way either. For a while I strayed away from the topic and definitely avoided mentioning our ages. It felt like I would receive one of two responses—either instant judgment for how young we were (yes, sometimes out loud) or immediate agreement that young love is the way to go. The thing is, I know we were young and I don’t think it is for everyone…in fact, I’d even go as far as saying that I don’t think it’s for most. It was hard and required sacrifices, but I wouldn’t trade it.

This was our story. It wasn’t always full of whimsy or ease, but we did fall in love and continue to do so more and more every day. 

Our Dating Story

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We met the summer I turned 18 and he turned 20. We were young and just starting to feel comfortable in our own skin (despite what you may think in the unflattering photo above). I usually say we met at a Battle of the Bands—which is totally true but conveniently makes it sound rather epic. He was that cute keyboardist dancing along to the songs while playing in my friend’s band. The guy I was with at the time (read: someone else who was nice but is now happily married to a lovely lady and living in cold Minnesota) wasn’t particularly thrilled when I voted for someone else’s band…but I went with my gut. A short time later, that fizzled out. A group of friends soon formed consisting of the guys in the band and the girls who hung around but refused to accept the term “groupie” (still true). It became known as the best summer ever. We went camping, met weekly for noodles-and-tea and shared bits of our lives with each other.

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Summer came to an end, and we all headed different ways for college. The question was never “to date or not to date” but rather, “what do we do about these feelings we have for each other?” After a few long talks and some dancing in the rain (literally), we parted with the understanding that we weren’t going to date. Well, that didn’t last long. While I tried to find feelings for some of the guys at school, he complained that some girl (that’s me) was “wrecking his life” in the best way possible.

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We struggled to date from a distance. It required each of us to put our heart on the line and put things that were right in front of us on hold. We wrestled with doubt and insecurities—both as a couple and as individuals. Somehow, we had to determine what dating should look like and what was to be expected of one another. We didn’t always see eye to eye on that, but we liked each other anyway.

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Long distance wasn’t easy, but ultimately we decided to try and make it work. I ended up transferring from a school in Missouri to a school back in Iowa…a week after he moved another two hours away to live with his band in another town. For the next few years it stayed long distance as he pursued his dreams and I pursued mine. We knew we were young and this was the time. I studied abroad, and he focused all of his energy on music. Being in different locations meant we spent a lot of time on the phone and had to learn how to communicate and invest in our relationship without being together all the time. We ran into issues and fought, particularly when we questioned whether our dreams aligned. We weren’t always sure if we fit, and some friends/family doubted our connection especially considering my lack of music involvement.

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At the core though we knew we shared the same values and vision. We loved God and we loved people. We viewed hospitality and humor in the same way. We felt called to live in grace and love

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While I was studying and traveling the world, he managed to secure a full-time job and some stability. A few months after I got back, he got down on one knee. I graduated from college and found a full-time job as we planned a wedding. It was a stressful and crazy time of engagement that he likes to refer to as the “best worst time” of a couple’s life. Of course we knew we were young, perfect strangers wouldn’t let us forget it. We also knew that we loved each other. We had pursued our own passions but wanted to do life together. We committed to loving each other from then on, so, at ages 21 and 23, we said I do.

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What’s the foundation of dating in America? I can’t speak to that. For us, it was a relationship rooted in love, a genuine interest in each other and a willingness to see where that led.

Thursday Three

It feels like last week was forever ago. I couldn’t even tell you why. So many things seem to be happening right now. Lots of exciting possibilities coming up but they all require some work on my part. I’m hoping I can keep up!

1. We do love each other. We celebrated Valentine’s Day with dinner and drinks at what the hubby says might be his new-found favorite restaurant. The steak was great, we had bit of wine and tried to remember what the heck we did for Valentine’s Day last year. Also, we demolished this nutella bread from our favorite bakery.

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2. The OLYMPICS have taken over. So much emotion and passion and determination and athleticism. Oh yeah and commercials. They’ve been great to watch, but I think we’re both ready to have our nights and weekends back to normal and commercial-free.

3. Late nights bring about all the thoughts. So many ideas and revelations occur late at night for me. Saturday night I took full advantage and wrote some of it out and was so glad I did. I can’t help but wonder, is it that nights we are more naturally inclined for those bright idea moments? Or is it just the first time of the day we have more than two minutes of silence? Is it the first time we really allow ourselves to clear our heads and let our minds wander?

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We all need a little more grace and love. We need to give it more. Speak it more. Remember it more. Because grace and love can always be offered. You’ll never find someone who’s met their acceptance limit for grace and love. Please know that the person to the right and to the left of you need it just as much as you surely do. So keep piling it on. Give grace and love all day long.

Learning, Growing and Life Changing

Tuesday nights I leave work a little early and zip over to one of our area universities to learn all about nonprofit management. There I get to hear all about how nonprofits are supposed to work, some of the things they are great at and some of the things they’ve really messed up. All in all, it’s a good class (although I still haven’t fully adjusted to having homework looming over my head and all of my expert procrastinating skills have proven to be fully intact). I’ve learned a lot of things that maybe seem like common sense but also a lot of new perspectives on how some things happen the way they do in the nonprofit world. None of them are perfect. Actually, it’s a wonder some of them still manage to exist. Power, greed, scandal, disorganization, bankruptcy, fraud— you name it, the nonprofits in the world have probably struggled with it.

But there they are. There to serve the people, teach the children and fix the dogs. They do things that our government can’t (or won’t or shouldn’t) and allow individuals to be a bigger part of something than themselves. You’re looking to connect to people? To be a part of a community? Go ahead and start here.

Somewhere between 25-30% of adults volunteer in the U.S. I know we have jobs and lives and friends and whatnot. I know, I really do. And I’m not saying all nonprofits automatically make it good or worthwhile. The point isn’t volunteering somewhere for the sake of your resume or a bumper sticker. Be involved somewhere that isn’t about you getting something out of it. Yes, maybe you’ll learn and grow and have a changed life because of it, but volunteer so that someone else can learn and grow and have a changed life because of it.

These are the kind of relationships and connections we need more of in the world. Because people matter.

Song: Last Love

“And although I am young I will never outgrow my love for you, I will never give you up”

Last Love by Matrimony

Happened upon this lovely couple/family band during the art festival this weekend and was struck my their music and their marriage. It reminded me of our love. While we may have struggles and even sometimes need personal space, I really truly love my husband. On tumblr I see so many pictures of sweet love and see the longing for it in the comments. Here we are—husband and wife—together. We are in it for the long haul but also for the blissful moments that weave in and out of our lives when we can catch them. Sometimes those moments come during the sounds of singing and playing music together, sometimes it’s in the quiet of the morning as the sun peaks through the windows. Let it be known, I am so thoroughly content and in love with that man.

Dear 38-year-old Me,

On my last day of being a stay-at-home-wife before returning to work, I must say a few things to you, my future self. In this time between jobs I’ve spent many mornings and afternoons in a world only stay-at-home people know. It’s given me a glimpse into that life: mid-morning work-out classes, daytime grocery shopping, running errands, housework and time alone. Whether you have been given the blessing of being a stay-at-home-mom or even the blessing of still being alive, please keep the following in mind. 

First of all, this letter is harder to start writing than I thought. At the gym this morning all of those ladies kept gossiping and complaining about every little thing from the person next to them being to close to the ways they lied to their husbands. It drove you nuts enough to write this letter. Remember that. Remember the way that just standing next to it made you feel icky and do not engage in that kind of behavior—gossip or foolish talk. It’s not hard to become that way but it also isn’t graceful, becoming or admirable. It’s a nasty habit, so instead decide to say and do otherwise and I promise your ability to make an impact will be greater without such prattle. (p.s. don’t stop going to the gym though—you need to stay in shape and stay healthy, regardless of your age).

Take note: Monday morning shoppers mean business. And good for them! While you might want to stay out of their way, I’m sure some sort of routine is good. Make a list and accomplish more. The weeks I went sans-list were not even half as productive as the ones with a list. While these small tasks and chores add up, they are still important. They mean you are taking care of your husband, your family, your friends and yourself. Stay motivated.

Go beyond what you know. Forgo the routine from time to time and open your eyes to another part of town, even if it’s just the other side of the street. Because there are people everywhere. People who need love and support and food and friends. You can give those things. Don’t be so motivated to tackle that to-do list that you overlook the needs of others in this city. Love on them. Welcome the “inconvenience” and share your joy with others. Serve in your areas of strength, and even serve in ways that you aren’t immediately comfortable.

With whatever time alone you have, don’t drown out all the quiet with extra noise. Spend some time in prayer, in the word and in reflection. This is the bottom line, not the bottom of the pile. 

I don’t know what life will look like for you—if there are 2 kids or ten, a full-time job or freelance gigs, joy or mourning—whatever it is, don’t get lost in it. Don’t get lost in yourself, your plans or your routine. Look at the bigger picture and keep dreaming big. Invest in others and challenge yourself to do what seems impossible. Love. Love God. Love your husband. Love your kids (if you have ‘em). Love those around you. Love those who aren’t around you. Always love.