Thursday Three

This week has felt like the longest shortest week I can imagine. It’s as if time took its own course this week. I kept looking to my calendar thinking it had to be Thursday. It just had to be. For the working world, it was a short week so we can celebrate the nation tomorrow with barbeques, fireworks and red, white and blue summer bliss. For me, time just seemed to go on and on as if I was holding my breath while walking for miles.

1. Birthdays do not have to be a one day event. Over time I’ve found I’m much more of a one-on-one person or a small group person. Big parties aren’t my scene on a regular basis. So, instead of a big party, I had several get-togethers with people throughout the past few days. Nothing major or overdone, but some good people and time well spent. My birthday itself was a rather long day. All of my planned activities happened on other days so I found myself alone for the majority of the day and decided I wouldn’t allow myself to run any errands or search for any jobs. I did do a little cleaning, but I was glad to do it. I got a treat and headed to the art museum. I tried to reflect on everything I thought or felt, but you can only do that for so long. Furthermore, I had a hard time figuring out what it was I actually wanted, be it for lunch or in the next month.

(This painting has mesmerized me the last few times I’ve visited the museum. Is she tired? Upset? Sleeping? Praying? Checking her phone?)


2. When there is an interview, everything else is put on hold. I had a few interviews these last two weeks, nothing worth getting into just yet but it’s been good to have. It’s boosted my confidence a bit. But let me tell you, if there’s an interview scheduled for 4:00 PM in the afternoon, there’s a chance I will cancel coffee at 10:00 AM for fear it might run late. Sounds ridiculous, but I think this might have also caused some serious slow-ness to my last week. I get so focused in and try to learn everything and say answer all of the questions well that I end up spending hours at home researching before I realize how stir crazy I am about to get. It’s been overwhelming at times, but good.

3. Timing does not always go as planned. There’s something about the weather that I love. We cannot control it, try as we might. There’s no penciling in a hurricane or counting on clear skies and sunshine. Loss is another thing you can’t always plan for or fit in with your schedule. Somewhat unexpectedly, my grandpa passed away this morning. This, all while my grandma, who he married 56 years ago and should be celebrating an anniversary with tomorrow, is in the hospital awaiting a possible surgery. This, all while my cousin, his granddaughter, prepares to get married this weekend 900 miles away. The timing is tragic. Having another grandparent pass away this summer seems too soon.


There’s so much more I feel I could or should say, but nothing else seems fitting at the moment.

Sorry for the Radio Silence

There’s been a lot going on lately. Things I haven’t always known how to share. What are you supposed to do, go up to people and say, “hey! me! Life isn’t going the way I want it to right now!” or is there a better way to say it that I am not yet aware of? The longer I go without sharing about it though, the more I feel like I am living a lie.

A little over a week ago, my job came to a sudden halt. Some might say I quit, and some might say I lost my job. It all happened so quickly, it’s hard to say which came first. The business had been struggling, and I found myself without any work to do. There are several more twists and turns to the story, but none worth chasing right now. The bottom line is, I am unemployed and feel a deep sense of loss because of it.

I’ve had a hard time talking about the situation and have tried to figure out why. Clearly, I’ve left a job before, but this time feels so different. Likely, I have avoided it for fear of the response I would receive. Whether an inward or outward response, I don’t want people to think of me as a quitter or a failure. My career path was been far from what I have wanted or expected. This was not my plan nor what I wanted to happen. The questions of “what’s next” or “what do you want” completely overwhelm me. The answer? I don’t know.

No new opportunity or exciting adventure awaits on the other side. This is not a vacation, despite joking about my new-found free time. There was no game of chicken to see how I could get more money out of the deal through severance or unemployment. No, there were deep-rooted issues that hurt everyone involved. The past few months have been incredibly stressful as I’ve sought to respond with integrity and with grace. I’ve wrestled with how to react, questioned where I went wrong and feel so inadequate because of it all. But here I am.

I am grateful for what I have, as this could be a much more dire situation. While this has been trying for me, I realize that everyone has trials of some sort. I’m glad for those who are ready and willing to support me, even when they don’t know how. I’m thankful for a husband who loves me regardless.

I don’t know what is to come. The next few weeks/months are a total mystery to me. It hasn’t been easy to face that reality and even more difficult to sum it all up.