What I Write and What I Want

On the Horizon
It’s been a few weeks, and I’m still not sure how to pick up where I left off. A lot has happened and is happening. A few difficult yet vaguely described months this past fall/winter were followed by some resolve, some redirection, and some utter ridiculousness. In all of that, I question what it is I most want to say.

I have talked a few times about how much I appreciate writing and have been grateful that this blog has been a place for that. It’s been a way to update people, to share my thoughts, and to think through the different things going on in our lives. But it is also a place people come to read those things, which is something I consider very carefully. A handful of people have told me that they read my blog, which is always a flattering compliment, so I have a limited notion of my audience. There are also many people I’ve never met and know nothing about.

To me, the listeners/readers are often just as important as the message. This isn’t a journal, so if I don’t consider my audience, I do a disservice to us both. Lately, with a lot of transition and life going on, I’ve been considering even more carefully what it is that I’m saying and how my words are portrayed to those who are watching and reading. There are times filled with great news or success that I want to shout about and times when I just love the little details in life and want to share them. There are moments of frustration I want to lash out in passive aggression and moments of hurt or fear that I want to describe and sort through.

But the question becomes, what is my purpose? What is it I most want to do through my life and likewise, my writing?

Do I want to have a big platform? Do I want lots of likes and attention? Do I want to promote or sell something? Do I want to woo or impress? Do I want to simply have a creative outlet or a modern-day scrapbook?

Ultimately, none of those are my purpose, and in realizing this, I’ve stepped back. I’ve considered each word and each post and the impact it has. In this time of contemplation I have yet to figure out where to go from here and what I most want to say. But I know I want to keep writing. I want to connect with people. I want to write in a way that encourages, inspires, and relates.

Not only is this my favorite type of writing, but this is the type of writing I most love to read. I have learned and grown so much from reading what others write as they face challenges, celebrate victories, find their faith, and pursue their purpose. Not only that, but these are the lives that carry the greatest impact. Some people have strong voices or get loads of attention, but I’m not after the megaphone moments or a picture perfect type of lifestyle.

I want true authenticity and real relationships; loud joy and quiet success; wisdom over wealth; words filled with grace and also with thanks, and through it all, no matter what, I want to have faith, hope, and love

Thursday Three

Thursday Three

This week’s three comes to you from my dark little house as it thunders and lightnings (?) outside. Don’t worry, my power is still on…I just somehow feel like a power outage is less frightening if the lights are already off. I know, I’m weird. My sleep was so rudely interrupted last night by much thunder and lightning, so I rather appreciate the dark at the moment anyway.

1. Rainy days will come. Is it just me or do we forget the rain that comes with spring? As soon as the sun is shining, the birds start singing and a flower pops up from the ground I am so eager to declare, “spring is here!” It’s as if happiness can start again with the fresh season. But then there’s the rain and startling thunderstorms that remind me that growth takes both sunny days and rainy ones (why there has to be thunder, I’ll never really know). Thunderstorms late at night feel especially ominous, and I’m not sure if it’s just my memories of bailing out hundreds of gallons of water in our basement or because it feels like the sky is falling therefore things won’t go quite as “planned.” We can’t control the weather, just like we can’t control so many things in our life. That’s a hard pill to swallow (and I am the worst at swallowing pills…takes at least three gulps of water).

If you were able to follow all of the times I went back and forth between literal and metaphorical just now, I commend you. The point is, we have good days among a season of bad ones and bad days in a season of good. We are given no guarantees as to what life will bring.

2. Sometimes you have an awesome day or moment and no pictures to show for it. I had a couple of good days and moments this week: time with lovely friends, long walks in the city, an impromptu doughnut run and tennis with the hubby. I guess you’ll just have to take my word for it.

3. Easter brings a lot of emotion. There are so many cute kids in dress clothes (sometimes even in bonnets!) hunting for eggs and baskets. The churches are full and people eat ham. But without all that, Easter might feel like just another day. Except it’s not. It’s not about pastel colors or brunch or sugar-covered marshmallows. Easter is about redemption. That’s what brings me joy.

Easter with Friends | Moving Peaces


What I Have

The last week, two weeks, month have been a total blur. I made mention of my job situation in the beginning of May, but it didn’t stop there. About a week later my grandma passed away. A grandma who was dearly loved but had suffered with Parkinson’s disease for far too long. Suddenly I found myself with more time than I could have imagined, enabling me to make a trip back to the Midwest to be with family. As much as I feel like I should sit around wallowing sometimes, I’m grateful that the timing of things worked out the way it did. 

What now? Time will tell. With everything going on, I haven’t really had the time to reflect on it all and come up with my plans, goals and dreams for the future. I have, however, been able to spend time with some wonderful people who have been so encouraging and considerate. I am surrounded by so much good, it’s unbelievable. Selfishly, I want to act as though everything in life isn’t fair. When those little waves of panic hit where I realize I have no idea what tomorrow will look like, I want to hide under the covers and cry for a good long time. For fleeting moments I want to shout “woe is me!” or throw a fit at the injustices of the world. But I can’t. I have so much. People have shown incredible love and care for me/us. My life is good. I have such joy

Sometimes I worry that saying it out loud will cause something else bad to happen just to test me.Sure, I’m tired and stressed and unsure of what my future holds. I haven’t slept much lately and still get sick from time to time. I doubt my abilities and question my dreams. I don’t know where all of this is going, and it completely freaks me out sometimes. Saying I have joy doesn’t mean it has been easy. I want it to all be better, to suddenly come together all tied up with a bow, just because I’m still smiling about it. But I don’t get that guarantee. None of us do. 

So, bear with me as I will likely have ups and downs while facing the unknown. Today though, let’s focus on the joy. 

Holiday Season

Isn’t it always a holiday season? We’ve got New Year’s, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Halloween, Independence Day and of course, Groundhog Day. A constant something to celebrate. A constant to-do.

Regardless of the holiday, I want to make an effort to cherish it but with a spirit of celebration, not of stress. Not expectations or disappointments. Not dread or longing for something different. Not comparisons or excess. I want to consider what it means, what it represents.

Decorations can be beautiful and get you into the mindset of the season, but sometimes it amounts to more stuff and clutter. Sometimes the food and costumes and traditions can cloud out the joy and meaning. I want to put that love and joy first, then the extras.

So regardless of the holiday, let’s put a little more thought into the true purpose behind it. Maybe it’s focusing on one holiday at a time or maybe it’s spending everyday in quiet thought about the current season. Consider what it truly means and embrace it with a joyful heart.