Time Crept

While most are realizing Christmas is days away and there are a million things left to do, it’s not the top of my mind. What I’m coming to terms with is a job complete. My brain tried sorting through it before but eventually settled on pushing it off until later since I was technically still working that job.

Right before Thanksgiving I quit the job I had here in North Carolina. I don’t like to think of myself as a quitter, but maybe I am. Maybe I want to say “stop the monotony” and “don’t settle” to anyone who will listen. Is quitting the answer? Not always. Was it this time? Yes.

Hours after quitting, they asked me to stay on as a contractor until Christmas. This meant that I was basically doing the same job but at an hourly rate and without benefits. It also meant that I had been given some extra time before really considering all that had happened.

I think the full realization will finally hit after Christmas. When everyone else returns to work, and I suddenly find myself without a job or knowledge of what it might be. Maybe then I’ll be able to wrap my head around the whirlwind of the last few months. Arriving in a new state, knowing next to no one and taking a job despite some serious hesitations. Pondering things like purpose, value and worth. Trying to find how and where I’ve gone wrong to wind up in a place of such uncertainty in my “career path.” Because suddenly, I’ve finished my last day—for real this time. I haven’t a clue what’s around the bend. I’ve been here before, all too recently, when we packed up and headed across the country with little to no plan. But this time it almost feels more real. Or maybe I just never spent enough time reflecting on it the first time.

Either way, it’s here now and right up in my face.

Without a Job

After a good long walk and talk with my mom, I think I’ve come to realize a few things. To start, I am less nervous than I was when writing my previous post. That’s a success. As we talked I realized how much I know and feel strongly that it is time for us to move. We love so many things about life here and the people in it, but it’s clear that we need a change. We’re ready and restless. I think I have found peace in that truth.

What I was wrestling with was that I don’t always feel like our next destination is where we’re called. I feel lead to leave, but I don’t yet feel called in a certain place. There are plenty of logical reasons why I think we are making a decent decision, but I’ve been praying for a clear directive that this is where we are supposed to go. But at the same time, I have a feeling that might be my leap of faith. I’ve been clinging to, “If we only had a job.”

Digging further though, I don’t know if that’s the answer. Yes, having a job beforehand would alleviate some of my fears. But when you get down to it, I think I want something better to tell people than, “We’re just moving.”  It seems the root problem is actually being concerned with the perceptions and thoughts of others when we break the news. I’m a practical person, and I’d like to think we both have good heads on our shoulders. What I’m coming to understand are my two biggest fears in this adventure – 1. Failure. 2. Perception of Failure.

Right now, that second fear is holding me back before I’ve even reached it. That is what I’m going to have to let go as we continue to pursue this. Plus, I have a feeling those fears are not unique to this situation.