The couchsurfer that stayed with us last week had many things to say and talk about, but one of those things was dating. Currently from Houston but otherwise from India, he asked what the foundation of the dating culture in America was. (Did I mention he was some type of scientist that I don’t even fully know how to pronounce? Yes, he was quite intelligent and processed life in a very technical way, which is different from the way I see the world.)
We were taken aback by the question. What was the dating culture all about? After a pause, the hubby said something along the lines of maybe we weren’t the best example of American dating. But in thinking more about it, I’m not sure there is a perfect example of what American dating should be.
There’s the stereotypical high school or college sweethearts…or there’s the statistically more common date-and-marry-in-your-late-twenties. For some reason sometimes it feels like this country assumes you do one or the other, but I don’t see why. Everyone has their own story and that’s okay. I don’t think ours is necessarily the right way, but at the same time I’ve come to terms with it not being the wrong way either. For a while I strayed away from the topic and definitely avoided mentioning our ages. It felt like I would receive one of two responses—either instant judgment for how young we were (yes, sometimes out loud) or immediate agreement that young love is the way to go. The thing is, I know we were young and I don’t think it is for everyone…in fact, I’d even go as far as saying that I don’t think it’s for most. It was hard and required sacrifices, but I wouldn’t trade it.
This was our story. It wasn’t always full of whimsy or ease, but we did fall in love and continue to do so more and more every day.
Our Dating Story
We met the summer I turned 18 and he turned 20. We were young and just starting to feel comfortable in our own skin (despite what you may think in the unflattering photo above). I usually say we met at a Battle of the Bands—which is totally true but conveniently makes it sound rather epic. He was that cute keyboardist dancing along to the songs while playing in my friend’s band. The guy I was with at the time (read: someone else who was nice but is now happily married to a lovely lady and living in cold Minnesota) wasn’t particularly thrilled when I voted for someone else’s band…but I went with my gut. A short time later, that fizzled out. A group of friends soon formed consisting of the guys in the band and the girls who hung around but refused to accept the term “groupie” (still true). It became known as the best summer ever. We went camping, met weekly for noodles-and-tea and shared bits of our lives with each other.
Summer came to an end, and we all headed different ways for college. The question was never “to date or not to date” but rather, “what do we do about these feelings we have for each other?” After a few long talks and some dancing in the rain (literally), we parted with the understanding that we weren’t going to date. Well, that didn’t last long. While I tried to find feelings for some of the guys at school, he complained that some girl (that’s me) was “wrecking his life” in the best way possible.
We struggled to date from a distance. It required each of us to put our heart on the line and put things that were right in front of us on hold. We wrestled with doubt and insecurities—both as a couple and as individuals. Somehow, we had to determine what dating should look like and what was to be expected of one another. We didn’t always see eye to eye on that, but we liked each other anyway.
Long distance wasn’t easy, but ultimately we decided to try and make it work. I ended up transferring from a school in Missouri to a school back in Iowa…a week after he moved another two hours away to live with his band in another town. For the next few years it stayed long distance as he pursued his dreams and I pursued mine. We knew we were young and this was the time. I studied abroad, and he focused all of his energy on music. Being in different locations meant we spent a lot of time on the phone and had to learn how to communicate and invest in our relationship without being together all the time. We ran into issues and fought, particularly when we questioned whether our dreams aligned. We weren’t always sure if we fit, and some friends/family doubted our connection especially considering my lack of music involvement.
At the core though we knew we shared the same values and vision. We loved God and we loved people. We viewed hospitality and humor in the same way. We felt called to live in grace and love.
While I was studying and traveling the world, he managed to secure a full-time job and some stability. A few months after I got back, he got down on one knee. I graduated from college and found a full-time job as we planned a wedding. It was a stressful and crazy time of engagement that he likes to refer to as the “best worst time” of a couple’s life. Of course we knew we were young, perfect strangers wouldn’t let us forget it. We also knew that we loved each other. We had pursued our own passions but wanted to do life together. We committed to loving each other from then on, so, at ages 21 and 23, we said I do.
What’s the foundation of dating in America? I can’t speak to that. For us, it was a relationship rooted in love, a genuine interest in each other and a willingness to see where that led.