What I should be doing

What I should be doing

I should be doing something else right now. Maybe it’s cleaning the kitchen, maybe it’s client work. Or maybe it’s as simple as getting dressed and brushing my teeth for the day.

There’s stuff to do. Things to read. Even more to write.

Why then do I sit staring at this blank canvas these days before moving on to things that pay or things that need cleaning or things that have seven more seasons of 40-minute-long episodes?

Do I take on more client work because it’s what I want to do? Or what I need to do? Do I prefer writing for them because there’s structure provided or an audience guaranteed?

I love writing, but lately, I don’t know what to say. By the time I get around to thinking of what it is I might most want to relay, the sound of distant cries increases in intensity. Suddenly, nowhere in our house is quite so distant.

So I wait. I wait for something big enough, important enough to write about. I wait for a moment when the work is done and the baby’s asleep and the house is clean. I wait for a reason to dust off the digital cobwebs on my blog.

And when the stars align and all of that is finally in place — I freeze. I look at my work and say, this isn’t good enough. It’s not strong enough to be the piece that sits at the top of the page for however long until I next get my moment.

I shouldn’t be writing about my inability to write freely these days. I should be writing about the injustice of racism and how videos from last weekend’s events left me in tears and outrage. I should be writing about taking a stand…but also, not having to do so on Facebook for it to officially count, lest we be caught up in a modern-day “If you love God…” forward email chain.

But if I’m not going to speak on all that, I should be professional and show my range of skills. I should show off some recent client work or write in a way that could attract the work I like to do. Write just like all the other articles I read and think, “I should try to do that too!”

If not professional, at least make it witty and fun. Share a little piece of our life or cute photo or something, right? What the heck is a blog for if it’s not to share some personal life with the world wide web in hopes of gaining a few new followers?

Is this blog still a thing? Should I give in and let go of the domain as the bill threatens will happen if I do not pay in 60 days? Take it off my portfolio website and just say, “trust me, I write”?

No, that isn’t the answer. I’ve got to keep going. Keep tapping the keys with my unusual yet somehow surprisingly effective self-taught typing ways. There’s more to work than getting paid. There’s more to the internet than showing off, seeking approval, or spreading hate.

There’s no one moment to act, do, write, or say. It’s over and over–again and again. Continuing to live and plod on, letting the tasks become habits. Those habits move toward discipline and eventually, a way of life.

So continue I’ll do.

It Is Time to Write Again

It Is Time to Write Again

After months of writing very little, the need to write has returned. But the time to write? Who has the time?

Admittedly, my time is limited. My last post shared the news of an expected addition to our family. In the time since then, our sweet baby boy arrived on the outside. For the past two months my brain and my efforts have been focused on three basic needs–eat, sleep, and clean (you know, cleaning all those messes babies make…because let me assure you, my house is far from clean). Blogging has been so far from my thoughts that I completely forgot my login password to get in here, which is simply ridiculous.

Yet, the need is there, and so the time has come to return to writing. The lack of writing has added one more change to an intense season of transition for me. I need to write. Even if no one reads it or knows what to do with my writing, it must continue in some form or fashion. I often think back to hearing blogger/author Seth Godin share on a podcast that he writes each day to speak truth in his life. For me, writing is often piecing together the lessons and questions in my life. Writing helps me to solidify those thoughts and feelings. Writing challenges me to dig deeper into what I think and to process what’s in front of me.

So much of the past few months and year has overwhelmed me. Writing about it felt daunting and vulnerable. Writing about anything else felt empty. I didn’t know what to tell people when they asked what I wrote about. My life? What I’m learning? During that time I drew inward and had less interest in sharing either of those things. I wasn’t ready for the questions or commentary. I didn’t feel the need to share some of my thoughts with the vast invisible public that is the internet.

So I continued to wrestle with what to write about. Should I find a topic that was easier to describe? A theme or a direction that would be easier to relate to? As time passed, I didn’t have an answer. Frankly, I still don’t know the answer or where to go from here. But maybe the lesson or thought of the day for me is that we don’t always have the answer…but we do need to keep moving forward.